> For those of us that are done or nearly finished raising our kids we know
> the truth in this.  For those of you considering starting a family read
> carefully. {:o)    Ahhh, the memories! Seriously though, our children in
> spite of all this were and still are a joy, wouldn't do anything over
> differently if I had it to do over. Of course, that's a man speaking, the
> Mothers might feel a little differently about doing it again.
>
        Darwin, whose motto is:
>       There's a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."   Dave
> Berry
>
>
>
>    HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:
>
>    MESS TEST
>    Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish
>    stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
>
>    TOY TEST
>    Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute
>    roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house.
>    Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
>    Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
>
>    GROCERY STORE TEST
>    Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take
>    them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay
>    for anything they eat or damage.
>
>    DRESSING TEST
>    Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small
>    net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
>
>    FEEDING TEST
>    Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
>    Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging.
>    Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the
>    jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the
>    contents of the jug on the floor.
>
>    NIGHT TEST
>    Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12
>    pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m.
>    begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down
>    your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your
>    bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a
>    dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for
>    5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
>    Look cheerful.
>
>    INGENUITY TEST
>    Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of
>    paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper
>    tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use
>    only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk
>    carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs.
>    Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
>
>    AUTOMOBILE TEST
>    Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice
>    cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it
>    there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a
>    family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into
>    the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
>    There, perfect.
>
>    PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
>    Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of
>    your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of
>    the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes.
>    You won't be wearing them for a while.
>
>    PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
>    Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.
>    Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest
>    food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your
>    paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
>    newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
>
>    FINAL ASSIGNMENT
>    Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on
>    how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance,
>    toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways
>    they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never
>    allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It
>    will be the last time you will have all the answers.
>
>
>    -------------------------------------------------------------
>
>    Quick Wit:
>
>    I broke up with someone, and she said, "You'll never find
>    anyone like me again." And I'm thinking, I hope not! If I
>    don't want you, why would I want someone just like you? Does
>    anybody end a bad relationship and say, "By the way, do you
>    have a twin?"
>    -- Larry Miller
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