... continued from part 1


     later
     i am back
     i'm using a sinemet cr to cruise me through
     the half egg sandwich i scarfed
     on my way out the door

     during hormone hell periods
     sometimes i get nervous about just how much time i'll have on
     so when i'm on
     i tend to race the clock

     i just did the week's grocery shopping in record time!
     i remind myself sometimes of the white rabbit!

     i'm about 80 percent kicked in right now
     4:20 pm and we'll see how she goes

     emotional?
     hmmmm ...
     this is a situation that crops up every 90 minutes for me
     of every day of every week of every month of every year
     (when my hormones aren't running rampant)

     if i catch the timing just right
     (and if the stars are with me)
     i can avoid a major 'off'
     completely
     but then again
     maybe i'll hit a hormone hell day
     or maybe even three or four in a row
     when i have more 'off' time than 'on' all day
     when i get 'stuck' somewhere unexpectedly for three or four hours
     (= the condom counter story!)

     this is the way i am
     and close to the way i have been for ten years and more
     it's 'normal' for me

     the unpredictabliity of the hormone 'offs' can be frustrating
     but i don't see any point in fighting it and getting mad
     what good would that do?

     the irony with pd is,
     if i get emotional, i get kicked out even further
     so i just take it as it comes
     as i do with life
     what else can i do?

     i can look at the 'off' times as a frustration and a pain and a
     loss
     or
     i can look at them
     as enforced slowdowns
     e.g. ma nature forcing me to put on the brakes
     for a good reason, i am sure
     (and i think i have started to find parts of that reason)

     i have noticed that other people, friends and strangers alike
     seem to react more emotionally to my pd than i do
     maybe just because it's new to them

     the other day i was semi 'off'
     in an italian grocery store with my sister
     she went through the checkout line
     i shuffled through another way
     and she beat me to the car

     i noticed a woman in the checkout line
     watching me and though i didn't look directly at her
     (not out of embarrassment - i was too busy concentrating on my
     feet)
     i got a distinct impression that she had an expression of
     pity / sympathy / empathy on her face

     kickin out a tad now
     my legs are getting a bit stiff

     but anyway
     i may sound like this is all matter of fact and so what
     and that is truly how i feel about it

     bemoaning my pd and its symptoms
     is a waste of my time and energy
     like bemoaning my height or my hair colour or my freckles

     i'm doing what i can to deal with the situation
     as much as i want to

     e.g. i used to dye my hair to hide the grey
     but i don't bother anymore
     i kind of like the grey as it is

     i certainly can't do anything about my freckles
     some people hate them
     some people love them
     i can't see them either way
     they are just me

     this is the way i was made
     'i was like this when i got here'

     so
     i don't know what i can tell you about the emotional aspect
     of my on and off periods
     or as i call them sometimes
     my kicked in and kicked out states
     (irregardless, i'm always kickin)

     when i can't walk or type, i lie down
     and try to let my muscles relax as much as possible

     i sometimes think that relaxing them
     helps to speed up
     the 'kick-in'

     so
     i do crossword puzzles, or if i don't feel up to that
     i read, or if i don't feel up to that
     i think, or
     i meditate, or
     i look at things, or
     i listen to things, and you know where that gets me!

     4:35 pm
     still 'on' but my back is pinching
     heck - i've had forty years of hormones
     i'm done, i'm not in need of anymore!

     after i received my diagnosis of pd, i felt deathly afraid
     but that fear was based on ignorance and shock
     and has dissipated completely

     i have always felt very hopeful in the long term
     about treatments and even a possible cure
     viz
     the new drugs and surgeries
     that have become available just in the past ten years

     i could have been 'given' a much harder test than pd
     viz
     christopher reeve and stephen hawking ...
     relatively speaking this is a cake walk!

     irregardless
     i'm going to make sure i pass this exam with flying colours
     and learn as much as i can from it

     i've always been nosy as heck
     and always want to know how and why things are the way they are
     so i think i've been given 'mulling' and 'digging' time

     but now
     i'm stiffening up a tad more
     and i'm going to lie myself down with my kitties



     janet paterson
     2000/08/13

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http://www.geocities.com/janet313/wordsoth/2000/20000813.html

janet paterson, an akinetic rigid subtype, albeit perky, parky
PD: 54/41/37 CD: 54/44/43 TEL: 613 256 8340 EMAIL: [log in to unmask]
"a new voice" home page: http://www.geocities.com/janet313/     .
"new voice news" latest posts: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/nvnNET/     .

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