Joan,

 A belated thank you for posting these middle of the night thoughts. The
use of a wheelchair for Bob has also just recently been foreshadowed, so
your post was well timed.

Sincere good wishes

JOY Graham

>This is a requiem.
>
>It is a pity-party for my old life that I need to get out of my system
>and to get over.
>
>It hurts so badly….but I shall survive and life will go on as it always
>has; I will feel strong again and the sun will come out tomorrow….but it
>is late at night and I feel this awful pain of letting go.
>
>Today, my life took a turn and I can never have it the way it used to be
>or even make believe anymore that it will ever be the same again.
>
>I am hurting and sad and so very angry.
>
>You see, today, after months of talking about it and putting it off and
>denying that it was even ever real, all the pieces came together: my
>neuro wrote me a script, a letter saying that it was a real necessity,
>my insurance company oked the entire thing and a very nice man came to
>my house this afternoon with 3 wheelchairs for me to test drive.
>
>Now it’s all over but the shouting and the delivery of my new
>jazzy-cobalt blue, 28 inches wide, turns on a dime, power wheelchair.
>She’s a beauty all right and I am determined to make my peace with
>her-just as I did with my blue 28 inch high Schwin back when I was
>growing up.  But that was then and this is now. Back in my youth, my
>bike was my declaration of freedom; I was the oldest of 6 kids and my
>mom didn’t drive and my dad traveled 5 days out of the week. My bike was
>my get out of jail free card and my get out of the house full of
>brothers and sisters and my letting my pony tail free so that I could
>think straight. That was then…I don’t even think that getting my
>driver’s license ever gave me the thrill of waving good-bye and heading
>out to face life on my bike.
>
>But this is now…Now because of this stupid disease that I have come to
>terms with over and over again has me down for the count once again.
>
>It is the thought that once I begin to use the chair, it will become
>easy for me to get around in and it will become a habit. For so many
>years, I prided myself on my independence: before marriage, during
>marriage when Stan was sent to Dessert Storm and after he came home-I
>tried and succeeded in maintaining my independence. Even since the
>diagnosis of my PD 11 years ago, I have managed to go my own way, never
>looking backwards or allowing any time for regrets.
>
>That all changed today. It is another milestone in my life that I cannot
>hide from or pretend that it isn’t there. It will be there all right, in
>all of its shiny glory. It is a rite of passage like when the head neuro
>at Mayo said, “Yes it is really Parkinson’s Disease” or when a judge
>finally said, “Your Social Security Disability which you have requested
>is granted” and one of the daily concessions that People Living With
>Parkinson’s make just to accommodate this damn disease.
>
>I was so proud of the way that I had handled this, I likened it to the
>oyster of life: when you get a piece of shit in your shell it irritates
>and bothers you until slowly your mind wraps itself around this irritant
>shaping it and polishing it until one day, it becomes a pearl.
>
>This was my pearl…I had shaped it with the thoughts of how much more I
>will be able to accomplish once I no longer have to spend all of my
>energy on staying vertical and how much more time I will have when I no
>longer must spend so much of my day hauling my fat ass up off the floor.
>And won’t it be a relief not to fall 25 times a day- cause, boy, this
>ole bod sure don’t heal like it used to.
>
>I know in my head that all of this is true and in the daylight, sanity
>will return to me but it is the middle of the night and all I can think
>of is how, at 50 years of age, my life will be lived out seeing the
>world from a seated position.
>
>La chiam!!
>
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Bob & Joy Graham
37 D Fremantle Village
Lot 1, Cockburn Rd
South Fremantle WA 6162
Australia
Ph & Fax (08) 9430 4730

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