Hansen: Let's color code system for morals attacks
By MARC HANSEN - REGISTER COLUMNIST

November 6, 2004

It wasn't the war. It wasn't the economy. It wasn't the deficit. It
wasn't health care, education or taxes.

It was values that got George Bush elected for a second term. That's
what the totally dependable exit polls said on Election Day.

Twenty-two percent of the voters surveyed put "moral values" ahead of
everything else as their top concern. What's more, 79 percent of the
people who listed "moral values" voted for the president.

Oh, sure. Now they tell us what's important. Three presidential
debates and all we hear is terrorism, terrorism, terrorism. Iraq,
Iraq, Iraq. Security, security, security.

We should have known. The truth is, moral values really do matter.
Some people even have them - more Republicans than Democrats, we're
told - but that doesn't change the fact that few things in American
life are cherished more. Theoretically.

That's why I am proposing today that the president begin his second
term by creating a Department of Homeland Values and instituting a
color-coded warning system.

We already have a color-coded system that evaluates the likelihood of
a terrorist attack. Why not establish a system that tells us when our
moral fiber is getting soggy?

As you know, the terror warning system is a marvel of simplicity. Red
means the United States is at severe risk of a terrorist attack.
Orange is high, yellow elevated, blue guarded and green low.

At the moment, most of the country is resting semi-alertly on code
yellow, with New York and Washington poised on ready-to-move red.

It's time to create a similar system for moral values. I'm thinking
out loud now, but here are the categories, some hypothetical
situations and the suggested responses.

Red: The godless heathens are taking over. The sanctity of marriage
is in jeopardy. Civil unions are becoming legal in all the blue
states and even a few of the red ones. Gay marriage is warming up in
the on-deck circle. Janet Jackson reveals all while performing at
Hillary Clinton's inauguration. Head for a remote mountain cabin and
crawl under the bed.

Orange: Foreign billionaire George Soros changes his will, pledging
to bequeath every penny he has to embryonic stem-cell research,
giving new hope to countless Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, ALS, cancer
and spinal cord patients. He quotes an off-the-wall letter from 80
know-it-all Nobel laureates explaining why this is a good thing. They
say vaccinations for measles, rubella, hepatitis A, rabies and
poliovirus have been produced in cells derived from a human fetus to
the benefit of millions of Americans. They say precedent has been set
for the use of fetal tissue that otherwise would have been discarded
. . . yada, yada, yada. What to do? Take notice of your surroundings.
Stay away from major research centers, academics, foreign
billionaires and anyone with facial hair.

Yellow: Congress passes a law prohibiting basketball players at
public high schools and state universities from "crossing themselves"
at the free-throw line. The traditional "Christmas play" is
officially called the "multi-cultural pre-winter-break production."
Continue to be vigilant. Hide the children. Or at least home-school
them.

Blue: Eminem raps the national anthem in the first game of the World
Series, but things are looking up. He is booed off the field. This
time hide the pets. Report suspicious cultural or ethnic activities
to local authorities and stay informed about what to do during an
ideological emergency.

Green: One of the newly elected U.S. senators is a man who is on
record saying abortion doctors should be executed and gay teachers
should be fired. Truth, justice and beauty reign, but this is no time
to relax. Establish an emergency moral-values preparedness kit and a
communications plan for yourself and your family.

What? You say that last example is not a hypothetical? I never said
the moral-values game doesn't get tricky. One person's cherished
values are another's dirty little secrets, and vice versa. But as we
learn anew every four years, no system is perfect.

SOURCE:  The Des Moines Register, IA
http://tinyurl.com/4u6b7

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