To Bev and Ray,
I don't know whether the self-absorbed behavior of teenagers is a
genetically derived adaptation or the consequence of recent culture, but I
do know they have an especially hard time empathizing with a once  all
powerful parent who has developed a chronic illness.  The easy explanation
is that it is a matter of the survival of the group.  No group of hominids
trying to survive on the brushland of Africa would have survived long if
they expended a great deal of energy trying to keep a disabled parent
hobbling along who could hardly keep up.  On the other hand, maybe a
teenager's entittlement behavior is a result of having too much time on
their hands lately.  Up until the recent past, most teenagers would have
been apprenticed by the time they had reached thirteen.  Only in the last
few hundred years has their evolved this party-time culture among teenagers
where they don't have to work, they are fullly supported, and they don't
know what to do with their lives but feel compellled to have a good time.  I
remember the feeling of wanting to be truly free to explore the world well
into my unapprenticed twenties. So, before our children dump us into nursing
homes because they don't want to be bothered, perhaps we should bring back
the Middle Ages.  But I suppose, it's too late for that. David


>From: Beverly Bashe <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: Parkinson's Information Exchange Network
><[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: On being defined by our name
>Date: Sat, 10 Jun 2006 14:02:48 -0400
>
>Those are wise words, David.
>
>Your comment, "...they don't understand illness," is very appropriate.  It
>reminds me of a story.
>
>Years ago, a friend of mine, Anne Marie, went to the hospital after
>suffering a relapse of breast cancer.  She didn't want to tell her 4
>teenage
>children (3 girls, 1 boy), fearing that she'd make them worry.  Anne Marie
>was the ultimate mother.  The children were musical geniuses.  Anne Marie
>used to take them on the train into Manhattan at 5:30 a.m. each day to go
>to
>the Manhattan School of Music.  She was totally devoted to them.  When she
>realized that the travel time was inhibiting their friendships, she brought
>them to the private school that I was teaching at in our home town.  Anne
>Marie, even though she was in pain and getting no help from her doctors,
>volunteered as an aide at the school, including in my kindergarten class,
>so
>that the 4 children could go there at a reduced tuition.  She was one of
>the
>dearest people in the world, even tempered, sweet, intelligent,
>articulate...I really can't say enough about her.  On Saturday, she'd bring
>the kids back into Manhattan for music lessons.
>
>When she went to the hospital, I would see her every day after school.  She
>asked me what to say to the children, because her heart was breaking .  I
>told her that she must, absolutely tell them the truth and give them a
>chance to deal with it.  I also said that no matter what she would say to
>them, their imaginations would have been making it worse.  She followed my
>advice, brought them in the next day, told them everything...and you
>wouldn't believe what they said to her: "Oh, is that the problem?  We
>thought you didn't love us anymore."
>
>After all she'd done for them, been to them, shown them her love, this was
>what they'd collectively come up with.  Can you imagine???  Anne Marie was
>stunned, as was I when she phoned and told me of their conversation.  This
>taught me a lot...especially not to second guess what kids were thinking,
>because it probably would not be what actually was in their minds!
>
>As to your advice to let him be "the bad guy," excellent!  My goodness,
>David, you're "right on," in my humble opinion.
>
>Bev  cg David 70/59/31???
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "DAVID LEWIN" <[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Friday, June 09, 2006 10:01 AM
>Subject: Re: On being defined by our name
>
>
>>Dear Elizabeth,
>>There is no reason to panic.  Living with a teenager is usually very
>>stressful.  Right now you should think about taking care of yourself.  I
>>am
>>a parent of several teenagers and I too had the shock of my wife driving
>>me
>>away and trying to turn my children against me.  Teenagers are very
>>self-absorbed, they don't want to be caretakers, they are afraid of
>>illness,
>>they do not understand illness.  They just want to have fun.  As my
>>sixteen
>>year old son said, "Your illness is ruining my childhood."  If your
>>daughter
>>wants to live with her father, don't fight her on this.  You say you live
>>close to your ex-husband.  Good.  Let him be the one who fights with her
>>when she comes home at 2 o'clock in the morning.  Let your husband be the
>>one who is upset when she takes the car.  Be the refuge for your daughter
>>when she rebels against his authority. Let him be la bete noire. Look to
>>your future and your needs.  She'll come back to you when she's older and
>>wiser.
>>      David
>>
>>>From: El Che <[log in to unmask]>
>>>Reply-To: Parkinson's Information Exchange Network
>>><[log in to unmask]>
>>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>>Subject: Re: On being defined by our name
>>>Date: Fri, 9 Jun 2006 04:05:35 -0400
>>>
>>>Hello,
>>>
>>>I am more afraid about the new ways of speaking about PD as a psychologic
>>>disease or addiction symptoms resulting of agonist effects...  After
>>>years
>>>of studying "physical symptoms" the new trends seems to look on the size
>>>of
>>>"psychological effects" or in a view with Parkinson Disease is a
>>>"demence"
>>>as some people say in France.  I just come back in Canada (Quebec) from a
>>>trip in my family in France and I could tell you that people with PD are
>>>not
>>>open like us in North America  to tell openely they have PD.  Because the
>>>diseases relatives to a brain disorder is viewing as "suspect" and it is
>>>sometime a shame in a family to have one person having that.  It's almost
>>>like MST diseases...Disease from my point of view is not a bad word... a
>>>disease, in particular with physical symptoms like mouvment disorders is
>>>a
>>>"clean disease" because it is not something "bad" that  you did to have
>>>it
>>>(ex. AIDS should be more problematic to announced it around a table in a
>>>business lunch or at work.  And please, I understand and compatise with
>>>people who had any diseases, I just took AIDS as an example to make a
>>>point:
>>>  disease  that we could speak about and, not be proud to have it of
>>>course,
>>>but not be ashamed too.
>>>
>>>Until now I was very open to talk about PD around me but now I begin to
>>>feel
>>>more nervous, anxious...
>>>
>>>My personal preoccupation is people using PD effects on humor or even not
>>>be
>>>a "stable person because you have tremor and in a nervous situation you
>>>are
>>>shaking more and more"...to destroy the confidence in the PD person... as
>>>I
>>>recently divorced, my ex-husband still plays with the words about "my PD
>>>and
>>>volatility effects" and my daugther, who was very close to me younger, is
>>>now closer to him as he is a very stable person !  I don't know exactly
>>>to
>>>explain me but I hope you could understand that I am afraid to lost my
>>>daugther.... I am a good mother and still coult take care on her.... but
>>>they began together lifing about somes mistakes I should make... and
>>>after
>>>that said some words, but still in a joking way, about my driving way (I
>>>"take" sometime the corner to close and a wheel jump a little bit on the
>>>sideway)  but I am driving prudently and I am not a "public
>>>danger"....but
>>>as my daugther became "a little bit afraid to be in my car", she prefered
>>>taking the bus or having his father taking her....inch by inch, day by
>>>day,
>>>my ex-husband maid some points and I am not in a good position to fight
>>>with
>>>him.
>>>
>>>The worst for me now is that they told me recently that maybe next year,
>>>as
>>>she has now 14 years old, she could decide to live full time in his
>>>house.
>>>Legally divorced just last december, we had the "garde partagée" which is
>>>one week for her to be with me, one week with him.  We live closer and
>>>even
>>>if it is not the best way of living, I could not imagine my life without
>>>ma
>>>daugther at home, even if she is in a bad mood.
>>>
>>>So, I do not want to cry on my condition but I needed to tell that...
>>>With
>>>the hope to have some understanding in that place, maybe some of you had
>>>passed by a same way and tell me or give me some hints to do or things to
>>>avoid.
>>>
>>>Thanks anyway for having reading me until the end :-)
>>>
>>>Elisabeth
>>>
>>>_________________________________________________________________
>>>Vous cherchez une maison? Visitez Sympatico / MSN Immobilier
>>>http://mamaison.sympatico.msn.ca/Immobilier
>>>
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