In a message dated 17/04/2007 07:09:01 GMT Standard Time,  [log in to unmask]
writes:

I LOVE  THIS - IT SAYS IT ALL:

319 Monday, April 16, 2007 - BACKSTAGE AT THE  ANTI-RESEARCH ACADEMY AWARDS

"I laugh, that I may not weep."-A.  Lincoln
Remember the secret Energy department meeting, whose deliberations  were
never made public? This is the one that the Bush Administration took  all the
way to the Supreme Court to protect its privacy, so we do not know  what went
on in those pre-Iraq invasion talks.

A similar meeting was  recently held by 72 Florida Republican legislators, to
hear the  anti-embryonic stem cell research viewpoints of a
religiously-oriented  scientist. Democrats and the press were not welcome.

When secrecy is  imposed, the mind is freed to imagine..

I got to wondering, what if  there was an Anti-Stem Cell Research Academy,
and they all got together for  a special Awards night-and we got to watch?

They'd have a red carpet  outside the building, maybe a commentator.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we  take you now to the Anti-Stem Cell Research  Academy
Awards!

Excitement is building-what an honor to be here, in  support of the perpetual
illness and injury philosophy-thanks to the  efforts of those we honor
tonight, cure has been put off for years to  come.

Not only are we protecting the sacred existence of microscopic  dots in Petri
dishes everywhere, but also the jobs of those who depend on  chronic disease
and disability.

Think of it-do we want to put our  hospitals and doctors out of work, or
diminish the profits of our health  care industry? Chronic injury is the very
bedrock of-what's that? Oh,  sorry! We're running late, let's go inside, I'll
fill you in on the gossip  as we go.

Look, there's Ann Coulter, isn't she stunning? Let's listen  to her speech, I
heard she was upset because her latest book, "Liberals,  May They Burn in
Hell" was accused of--

"Plagiarism? Is it  plagiarism just because my list of objections to stem
cell research is a  teensy bit similar to by some obscure Illinois
right-to-life group? My list  is very different from their list-look, here is
my list, compare it for  yourselves-I used a comma, see, they have a
semi-colon-you can't see the  difference, you bunch of closet liberals!"

There was also just a  smidgeon of unpleasantness in the Anti-science
Celebrity award.

"It  should have been me!", said Patricia Heaton, star of "Almost everyone
loves  Raymond", "Wasn't it me who starred in the anti-stem cell research  TV
commercial with the actor who played Jesus in the movies-I mean, we got  him
to talk trash about stem cell research in Aramaic!" said Ms Heaton,  star of
Raley's commercials.

"Hey, I was the one-it was me who  accused-stem cell scientists-- child
sacrifice!", said Mr. Gibson, waving a  bottle in a brown paper sack.

He went on to say something we could not  quite make out-- about Jewish
policemen?

Oh, listen!

"And  now, The Don Imus Award for Cultural Sensitivity goes to.  Ruuuush
Limbaugh!"

The crowd is really behind this one, for Rush's  his brilliant attack on
Michael J. Fox. Limbaugh's statement on Fox's  Parkinson's disease, "Hey, the
man is an actor!" is an example of the  courage required to be an
anti-research advocate. It should also be pointed  out that big Rush's
"apology" gave him another opportunity to repeat the  charges, taking credit
for graciousness, while never actually apologizing  at all.

Unfortunately, Mr. Limbaugh was unable to attend, due to a  problem with his
medications.

The first coveted Anti-Science  Scientist award went to Dr. David Prentice,
who was deeply moved at being  named the number one A.S.S. in America.

"You think it is easy, being  the only scientist in America willing to say
what I say? Where would you  politicians be without my list of 72 adult stem
cell cures-I mean  treatments-well, benefits-I mean human trials-" His
remarks went overtime,  and he had to be removed.

A special award was given to the Tobacco  Industry, for their imaginative use
of the word "controversial"-as long as  one person can be found who will say,
the cancer issue is "controversial",  the press is honor bound to present the
issue as one with two  sides.

The "Tobacco Smoke is Good for You" award was given to every  politician who
uses the word "controversial" when it comes to embryonic  stem cell research.

Regrettably, the tobacco executives used their time  to make extraneous
remarks.

"Why no", said the tobacco companies,  "we would never make massive donations
to the Missouri Catholic Church's  anti-stem cell campaign just because there
was a tobacco tax initiative on  the ballot that same day and we wanted
conservatives to turn out."

A  standing ovation was given the legendary Snarl Shove, in whose name  the
"Weapons of Mass Deception" Award was developed. His speech was so  moving.

"Look, before we could invade Iraq, we had to have a reason,  okay?" said
Snarl, "and we couldn't just say it was bad stuff done by the  dictator,
because we had been supporting him for years, so instead-we  accuse him of
nuclear bombs!

"So we couldn't find any later on, big  deal, who remembers?

"Anyway, you want to disqualify Democrats from  voting? First pick your
target audience-the ones who need government  programs, the poor, the old,
the disabled, right? If you can disenfranchise  that block of voters-wow!

"But no politician wants to publicly say,  take away the votes from the
blind, the paralyzed, the unemployed, the  elderly, sob sob boo hoo-right?

"So you need an imaginary crisis, to  which you must react.

"You need to convince voters there is a massive  voting fraud, a bunch of
people voting multiple times. and you fire 7 or 8  government prosecutors if
they won't find somebody to prosecute. the rest  gets the message loud and
clear.

"That "voter fraud scandal" gave us  the excuse to impose a mandatory Photo
ID card. Hey, it passed the House of  Representatives on a party-line vote--

"A government-issue photo ID is  the key to power-because, let's face it, for
most people the only  government-issue photo ID in their wallet is their
driver's license. Do  blind people drive? Do poor people own cars?
Disenfranchise eleven million  Democrats and there it is-the permanent
Republican majority."

Mr.  Shove was carried off on the shoulders of an admiring throng.

Among the  smaller awards, Leon Kass was given the Ideological Purity award
for his  firing of the two pro-embryonic stem cell scientists on the
Presidential  Bioethics Committee. He was also praised for clinging to his
anti-in vitro  fertility clinic stance.  Some have been hypocritical enough
to accept  the "test tube baby factories", but not Leon Kass. Remember that
man who  held up his two twin sons, and said, "Which baby would you have me
kill?",  talking about the "leftover" blastocysts. Thank goodness nobody told
him  that Leon Kass would have denied life to both his sons, because Kass
would  have shut down IVF clinics completely.

The Catholic Church was gently  admonished to release more of its treasure to
direct campaign  contributions.  However, a visiting representative stated
they would  not long remain the largest property holder on earth if they did
much more  to help Sam Brownback become President, and besides it  was
unconstitutional, and might interfere with their tax-free  status.

And no, they were not going to follow through with the  suggestion by a
certain cardinal that all supporters of embryonic stem cell  research should
be excommunicated-that would cost them 72% of the American  Catholic
membership?

It was decided to give two awards to the  Democratic Senators Opposed to
research, honoring both Ben Nelson and Bob  Casey, they being the only two
Democrats in the Senate to vote against the  Stem Cell Research Enhancement
Act. Both men were warmly welcomed, and  invited to switch parties.

The seventeen religious groups which made up  the total opposition to the
Stem Cell Research Enhancement Act were  honored, and had their names listed
in the program.  A suggestion was  made to include an "Enemies List" of the
five hundred and eighteen groups  in support of embryonic stem cell research,
but the program was not large  enough.

The state of Texas received a special award for only allowing  the
pro-embryonic stem cell research supporters to speak at a 2:30 in  the
morning, when the press was gone-"Hey, we let them talk, didn't  we?!"
laughed Mr. Alamo.

Florida Republican Anitere Flores won the  coveted "Bait and Switch" award,
for her brilliant bill, 1065, which  contained $20 million for Adult Stem
Cell Research (and a ban on state  funding of embryonic stem cell
research)-and then removed the  money!

Several adult stem cell scientists were nominated for  providing
justification for banning embryonic stem cell research-if adult  stem cell
research works, why do we need embryonic-but unfortunately all  the adult
stem cell scientists also supported embryonic stem cell research,  and were
therefore considered insufficiently pure.

Senator Sam  Brownback and Representative David Weldon received the "Cruel to
be Kind"  Award for their Cloning Prohibition Act, which would have  jailed
scientists, doctors, patients and parents to ten years in jail and a  million
dollar fine if they had anything to do with Somatic Cell Nuclear  Transfer.

In a separate meeting, a movement was made to publicly eject  from the party
those 17 Republican Senators who voted in support of the  Stem Cell Research
Enhancement Act. It was pointed out, however, that their  votes were needed
to continue the President's tax cuts. In a substitute  measure, the words
"Republican moderate" were stricken from the official  vocabulary, and
replaced with the more accurate scientific term "damned to  hell for all
eternity".

Presidential Candidate Mitt "I went Hunting  Two Times" Romney received a
"Junior Achiever" award for his outstanding  willingness to abandon previous
support of research.

The award for  Most Brilliant Use of a Visual Image went to the slide
projection of a  three month old fetus on the screen when talking about
microscopic  embryonic stem cells.

President George Bush received a lifetime  achievement award, but was unable
to accept, being too busy continuing not  only his good work in Iraq and the
attempt to privatize social security,  but also to rethink global warming as
a positive:  fewer blankets  would be needed on cold nights, because there
would be fewer cold nights.  "It's all in how you look at things", said the
President, "When others look  at melting ice caps, they see a problem; but I
see it as the glass more  than half-full-overflowing. That is why I am the
decider, and not Al  Gore".

Jeb Bush, sadly, was a little miffed at all the attention given  his big
brother: "Not my fault he got to be President first! Wait till I  get my
turn! He supported ten years in jail for scientists that had  anything to do
Somatic Cell Nuclear Transfer? I'll do better than that-I'll  go for public
execution!  Hah-and hey, even though I am technically  out of office, I still
tell Republicans in Florida what to do-look at  Governor "Chicken Charlie"
Crist-he campaigned on a promise to support  embryonic stem cell research-who
do you think got him to abandon those  views after he was safely elected?"

Senators Norm Coleman and Johnny  Isacson received the "Most Loyal Bushie"
award for their "Hope Act", Senate  Bill S 30, which most supports President
Bush's policy while appearing to  allow new research. It allows embryonic
stem cell research to go  forward-wait for it-on dead embryos! If the House
of Representatives can be  similarly  persuaded, this new law would establish
a permanent  prohibition against federal funds for any research which
"endangers an  embryo".

Sadly, one of the audience members, (plainly intoxicated) was  heard to
mutter, "Endanger an embryo? Millions of embryos are lost by  married women
every month-what's next, are we going to be guilty of  manslaughter because
we have a period?"

She was removed.
By Don  Reed
www.stemcellbattles.com

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Brilliantly written, but I suspect stupidity, greed and  laziness is  being
mistaken for conspiracy - which requires energy & intelligence.






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