Well written and very thought provoking Sam! Thanks for sharing it...

Nic 58/16

On 24 March 2010 19:07, kbachn <[log in to unmask]> wrote:

> Below is a personal essay I recently wrote, people seem to like it and some
> suggested it be posted.  So here it is ....
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> Surely you can step twice in the same "river" ...but
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> By Nguyen V.K. ©
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> [log in to unmask]
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> "You should go" my brother said "You have Parkinson's. If you don't go now,
> you may never get to go"
>
>
>
> My other siblings often asked why I have not gone back to Vietnam, the
> country of my birth, the country that I left 30 plus years ago as an eleven
> year old.  Especially the one sister who still lives in Vietnam, after
> hearing about my numerous trips to many other parts of the world "How come
> you go everywhere but never come back to Viet Nam for a visit?".
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> "I will, sis. Someday, I definitely have to go back" I  promised.  To be
> blunt, I don't know why I haven't gone back. Most Vietnamese living abroad
> love to go back, like an annual pilgrimage to the motherland.  Some go back
> to look for a wife, some go back to behave as sex tourists, some go back to
> take their foreign-born children to discover their ancestral roots, some
> return to open businesses, or simply to see their loved ones. Whatever
> reasons - most have gone back since the Vietnamese govt started welcoming
> the "Viet Kieu", literally means "Overseas Vietnamese", and their remittance
> wealth.
>
>
>
> I have a brother-in-law who never wants to go back either, but he has his
> reasons, he fought in the war for the South Vietnamese Army, the side that
> "lost".  So either out of pride of having to meet that faceless victor or
> simply a personal vow, he never wants to go back.   But I'm different,
> what's my reason for avoiding a return to my roots? I wondered myself for
> that lack of desire.  Have I turned "banana", yellow outside and white
> inside as a lot of Asians joke among themselves.  "No" is the conclusion
> upon my brief but decisive self-examination.  I still speak Vietnamese
> perfectly, still listen to its music, still pay attention to whatever
> success and fame the Vietnamese community brought forth just for the sake of
> ethnocentricity (a false belief that seems to be infecting every immigrant
> community).   I even intuited that my ambivalence towards going back to
> Vietnam could be the psychological dread of having been a boat person. May
> be I've been masking that dread with the natural resiliency (or ignorance)
> of youth.  Unlike a war trauma, wherein the sufferers have to endure
> re-living of the experience; if you survive the boating voyage, things
> always look better. The boating experience is usually comprised of -
> confronting the forces of nature with feebly empowered engines, shortage of
> food & water, plus limited if any navigational experience of the crew,
> thrown in with the occasional sightings of pirates etc.   But if you make it
> to land - the future is brighter, you get to re-locate somewhere in the
> first world, you become a landed immigrant, you have a chance to pursue an
> education, a job opportunity.
>
>
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> I just have to re-live that past dread of fearing the unknown before having
> to go on to face the next dread - the likely horrific conditions associated
> with a chronically worsening disease.  Like a Karma circle, life does repeat
> itself - but in different forms, except that one does not  even have to go
> through death to see life repeating itself.  What I'm going through with
> Parkinson's is also like what I went through as a boat person - fear,
> uncertainty, unknown future. Thus I decided to make my return to Viet Nam.
>
>
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> So this year I will take an Asian cruise that I carefully selected, one
> that has the most stopovers in Vietnam.  I thought that I must step in the
> same-yet-different river all over again to reminisce the survival of the
> first crossing and let it be an encouragement to my now second crossing of
> this river of fear.  Thirty years ago, I was on  an overcrowded  wooden
> boat.  In a month from now, barring any mishaps, I'll be on a luxurious
> cruise ship.
>
>
>
> What a difference 30 year period can make. I can't wait to experience the
> feelings of being in the same waters in two diametrically opposing sets of
> circumstances.  Hopefully only then will I understand the meaning behind the
> Greek philosopher Heraclitus' quote from 2500 yrs ago "No man can ever step
> in the same river twice". A popular quote  first heard in Philo 101 but of
> which I always failed to fully appreciate over the years.
>
>
>
> This one and the other quote "There's nothing good or bad, but thinking
> makes it so" by that great 16th century British playwright always gave me a
> headache back in my early education (imagine an immigrant youth with broken
> English having to grasp the meaning of Shakespeare).
>
>
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> Will I be able to experience life behind these abstract thoughts?
> Absolutely not, because Life is meant to be "lived".   More likely the
> saying "Enjoy what you can and Endure what you must" may ring truer to life.
> Different times bring about different conditions and situations, nothing is
> good or bad but living makes it so. As I might be indulging in the opulence
> and excess of a cruise with my rigor mortis-like health conditions now Or
> back then, enduring the perils of the seas and facing uncertain future with
> inspiring courage and hope.
>
>
>
> Indeed for it's not the same river and I'm not the same man.
>
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