General Motors doesn't have a HELPLINE for people who don't know how to drive
because people don't buy cars the way they buy computers -- but imagine if
they did.


HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened."

HELPLINE:  "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

CUSTOMER:  "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE:  "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER:  "Ignition?  Motor?  Battery?  Engine?  How come I have to know all
of these technical terms just to use my car?"

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HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere."

HELPLINE:  "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER:  "Huh? How do l know?"

HELPLINE:  "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle, and
markings from 'E' to 'F'.  Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER:  "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

HELPLINE:  "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'."

CUSTOMER:  "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'."

HELPLINE:  "A'V'?"

CUSTOMER:  "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E' then a 'V' followed by
'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

HELPLINE:  "No, no, no sir!  That's the front of the car.  When you sit
behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."

CUSTOMER:  "That steering wheel thing -- is that the round thing that honks
the horn?"

HELPLINE:  "Yes, among other things."

CUSTOMER:  "The needle's pointing to 'E'.  What does that mean?"

HELPLINE:  "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline.  You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to
install it for you."

CUSTOMER:  "What?  I paid $12,000 for this car!  Now you tell me that I have
to keep buying more components?  I want a car that comes with everything
built in!"

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HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE:  "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER:  "It crashed, that's what went wrong"

HELPLINE:  "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER:  "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the
way to the floor.  It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it
won't even start up!"

HELPLINE:  "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the
product."

CUSTOMER:  "Misuse it?  I was just following this damned manual of yours.  It
said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the
accelerator pedal.  That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's
crashed."

HELPLINE:  "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the
car sir?"

CUSTOMER:  "What?  Of course I did.  I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual
said and a didn't work!"

HELPLINE:  "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

CUSTOMER:  "How do you do THAT?"

HELPLINE:  "You said you read the entire manual, sir.  It's on page 14.  The
pedal next to the accelerator."

CUSTOMER:  "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you
know."

HELPLINE:  "Of course not.  What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER:  "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast
and won't crash anymore!"

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HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "Hi!  I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it
has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and
power door locks."

HELPLINE:  "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER:  "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to DRIVE?"

CUSTOMER:  "I'm not a technical person!  I just want to go places in my car!"

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Regards,
Alan Bonander