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        Jacob:
=09
        I have read over your message "where to start"!  It stirred up many =
emotions in me.  I feel you are a very bitter and unhappy       individual, =
and for that I really feel very sorry for you!  I would not wish PD on =
any individual in there life.  But if we are unlucky    enough to get it, =
we have to learn to deal with it and go on, it is easier if you can =
learn to take one day at a time.  The life we   are given is very =
precious and we need to fight for every minute of it we can get.  No =
matter how bad it seems.
=09
        I am 39 years old, I was diagnosed with PD 12 years ago, but lived with =
symptoms for 2-3 yr. before that time, if you do your   math that would =
make  me about 24 when I started living with this disease.  And believe =
me it hasn't been a party!.  In that    time I have had two girls which =
have grown to be very understanding when it comes to "Mom's disease", =
more so than some       adults I have run across out there.  They say kids =
can be cruel, well take it from me adults can be just as cruel.  These  =
years have not easy for any of us.  One of the hardest things was not =
being able to hold my baby in my arms and feed her a    bottle because I =
could not hold the bottle still.  My girls have had to learn to do =
without having certain things done because of   "Mom's Disease".  I =
remember crying to myself when my youngest was asked if she had one wish =
in her whole life what  would she wish for and her reply was "to find a =
doctor that could make her Mom's Disease go away forever".  In this time =
        period I have also had to deal with my father committing suicide =
because he had PD, this happened at the very early stage        of my disease =
which really threw me over the edge for awhile.  But one day I realized =
that I have got this I either have to learn     to deal with it and go on =
or just quit and let down everyone who counts on me.  Well  picked the =
first, I wasn't ready to give   up, I felt I had so much more to give.  =
My sense of humor has been my saving grace though all of this.  I have =
had so many     of my friends tell me that I have been and example for them =
in so many ways, if this is to be my legacy for my friends and  family =
after I am gone then that makes every minute I have to live with PD =
bearable.  And the belief that there is going to be     a cure for this =
some day in the near future helps me face each day.

        We are all in the same boat and it's up to all of us to decide if it =
sinks or not.  But if we throw out all the courage, strength,   and =
determination to fight this, and our sense of humor to deal with it =
every day, then we are up a creek with out a paddle.    Just remember =
life is worth it , there is always someone who would be lost without you =
in there life.  I am very sorry if I over       stepped my bounds here but I =
felt this had to be said and this is just the forum for it to be done.

        Susan . =20
[The] =20
Original Message-----
From:   Jacob Drollinger [SMTP:[log in to unmask]]
Sent:   Monday, August 18, 1997 9:27 PM
To:     Multiple recipients of list PARKINSN
Subject:        where to start?

Dear Listfriends,

I have a few things to ask.
But first, let me fill you in on what's been happening, not only as of =
late,
for those of you who know me, but also in my past for those of you who =
may be
new to the list.
I suppose you could call it devine justice. Due to a self-esteem problem
(also could be termed an ego problem), I attempted suicide about nine =
years
ago. It was actually a feeble cry for help. I poisoned myself with =
carbon
monoxide.
What I ended up with was a sort of self-inflicted pallidotomy. Except =
instead
of helping me, the bi-lateral lesions to both the internal and external
globus pallidus balanced no signals, but rather created a sort of =
bizzarre
Parkinson's like illness that has left me in many ways as less than half =
the
man that I was before.
I used the word "Devine" before, because I do believe that it was God's =
will
that I should end up as I am today; that is - slow of movement, devoid =
of
balance, and poor of oral communication.
Now for the truly sad (?) part. All of this happened when I was eighteen
years old, which, if you do the math, makes me almost twenty-seven right =
now.

I know and I realize that we all have our own concerns, and I guess I =
should
feel lucky to just be alive. But you know what, I am NOT. I demand a =
rematch
with my former self. As I am sitting here writing this, I feel the best =
years
of my life, and what's left of my sanity slipping away.
I also understand that there are those of you who are much worse off =
than I
am, but didn't most of you have good years as well?
Even years after you had been diagnosed, but were still able to enjoy =
life.
I don't want to offend anyone as I have done in the past, but if you =
have
never woken up from a coma after four days, and have had level 4-5
Parkinson's thrust upon you instantly, then you can't understand.
I have recently received some good news from Carole Hilton, a member of =
the
list, also holding a big title at the Good Samaritan Hospital in Los =
Angeles.
In a previous message she has stated that the type of P.D. that I have =
would
be most appropriate for a fetal tissue implant.
As you know, however, this procedure will not come without some money =
being
spent, and some controversy concerning ethical considerations.
Being a Christian, I have already dealt with the moral questions that I =
will
face when I meet the Lord, if I even get THAT far.
The $45,000 that would have to be shelled out is about all my immediate
family is worth, so it appears that I am going to need some help with =
that. I
have sent mail to both our local newspaper and a local T.V. station, but =
have
not heard from them yet.
It may sound strange, but I am also a Christian without a church. I do =
not
even want to go into why not. Just know that I read my bible almost =
every
night.
What I want is to know where I should be concentrating my efforts for =
raising
funds.

Sincere best wishes to all,

Jacob (26,'88)

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