^^^^^^GREETINGS  FROM^^^^^^^^^^
Ivan Suzman  47/10   [log in to unmask]
Portland, Maine   land of lighthouses     deg. F
***********************************************************
Janet,

Thank you for your love.

I am unable at this point to believe that there is no solution.

I want you to know that I think about you in lush, fragrant Bermuda,
and am grateful for all that you share with the List.


I think the tension my story is causing has to do with personal
boundaries.
I choose to share deeply, at least to unburden myself so that I still
have joy

and wonderment
freed

to be in awe of the tufted titmouses and black-capped chickadees
under the bent white pine tree
in the back corner of my yard

Sincerely,
Your coastal Atlantic cyber-bro'

IVAN
On Thu, 18 Sep 1997 09:18:14 -0400 janet paterson <[log in to unmask]>
writes:
>my dear cyber-sibling ivan
>
>i am worried about you
>i don't say that lightly
>
>you must know me a little bit by now from all my postings
>i'm very reluctant to judge anyone
>
>i tend to think and mull and turn things over
>in my head before i spill them out
>
>the bare skeleton
>of your conflict with the npf
>is that this occurred some time ago [more than a year?]
>and this is the second time you've brought the details to the list
>
>far be it from me to declare the purpose of this list
>
>that authority
>if it must be exercised
>must come from the list owner, barb patterson
>who created this miraculous communication medium
>out of her own generosity and hard work
>
>i am going through my own personal crises
>we all do
>from time to time
>
>but i don't 'expect' them to be solved by anyone else
>that chore is mine alone
>and the solution must come from within me
>not from 'outside' regardless of how loving, supportive, helpful etc
>
>i need a new country and a new job
>not 'just' a little bundle of cash
>[i don't intend to 'minimize' your conflict
>but to 'force' you to look at it from a different perspective]
>
>granted, i asked the list for advice and comments
>but i am not 'expecting' them to solve my problems for me
>
>i believe that the reason we are here on this planet
>is to be given tasks to learn from
>
>if we don't learn
>for whatever reason
>the same problems keep coming up again and again
>until we finally learn how to solve them...
>and then along comes the next...
>
>you have been through tough times in the past
>and have been able to conquer them
>
>what is holding you back from that now?
>
>is it possible
>that you are becoming obsessed by this one conflict?
>
>if your thinking processes
>are getting distorted, by meds, say, how would you know?
>is there some kind of safety check?
>
>eg with cd and me
>there are one or two specific situations
>where i might behave/react in a certain specific way
>that i can now recognise as clear warning signs of cd's return
>even thru the murk
>
>>THIS must for Heaven;s sake please STOP
>>before it causes me to break down.
>
>'it' cannot cause you to do anything or feel anything
>
>if you 'break down'
>it's because you are allowing yourself to react in this way
>
>it is sometimes very difficult to see that you have a choice here
>but you really do
>and once you comprehend that
>you will feel more empowered than you have ever felt
>
>>.. requesting me to STOP asking our listmembers to help me figure
>>out some way to be compensated for the devastation, but avoiding
>>the ordeaal of Court,  I have experienced at the hands of the
>>National Parkinson's Foundation and its disappearing
>>doctor Sanchez-Ramos. This has re-opened a horrible nightmare...
>
>my dear ivan
>
>"devastation" "ordeal" "horrible nightmare"
>"cover-up" "big brother" "gestapo" "hidden forces" "quarantined"
>
>all sound to me like exaggerations of a paranoid order
>
>i am not a medico but i know how brain chemistry
>can distort my thought processes
>so that i lose perspective
>
>why not try 'flipping' your perception of the whole thing
>into a game, a cosmic joke, an absurdity
>and just laugh at it
>and let it go?
>
>"Impossible!" you say?
>believe it or not, that choice is yours
>those emotions of yours are not coming from 'out there'
>they are coming from inside you
>and that's the only place where you can deal with them effectively
>
>>The cover-up and silence the NPF is trying to impose
>>on my friends and family and myself makes me feel ...
>
>again
>you have the choice of how you feel and how you react
>
>however, if your perceptions are skewed [by meds] for instance
>than any reaction based on false or distorted perception
>is going to be skewed or false as well
>
>just because you feel an emotion
>doesn't necessarily mean that the emotion is valid
>it can't be valid if it is a response to a distorted perception
>
>when peter flintermann had that terrible med reaction
>imagine how his thought processes must have been
>twisted and distorted
>by our beloved and indispensible pd meds
>
>he wasn't 'crazy' - he was suffering medication induced psychosis
>to an extreme degree
>
>think about how a 'mild' or 'moderate' degree of the same
>might manifest itself
>
>>I've worked as hard as possible ....
>>I will continue onward in this positive way.
>
>there is no doubt whatever
>that you have been selfless and generous in your work for pd
>
>the simple fact that, at the moment,
>you cannot seem to see this list
>as a similarly selfless and generous creation by barb patterson
>rings a loud warning bell in my head
>that your normal perceptions are being distorted
>
>please know that i offer this
>not with any criticism or judgment at all
>just deep concern for you and your health
>
>i don't think the npf is the problem here
>
>
>your parkie sister
>
>janet
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>