For those of you  who thought you understood history - here's some new
insights.
------
Mary Ann

>>
>> The World According to Student Bloopers
>>
>>      Richard Lederer
>>     St. Paul's School
>>
>>     One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
>> receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I have
pasted
>> together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine
student
>> bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight
grade
>> through college level.  Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
>>
>>     The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in the
Sarah
>> Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is such that
the
>> inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cul-
>> tivated by irritation.  The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of
a huge
>> triangular cube.  The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and
>> Spain.
>>
>>     The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of
the
>> Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One of
their
>> children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"  God asked Abraham to
sacrifice
>> Issac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's
birthmark.
>> Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs,
but they
>> did not take to it.  One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the
Israelites
>>
>>     Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.  Moses
led
>> them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread
made
>> without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to
get the
>> ten commandments.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He
>> fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times.
>> Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
>>
>>     Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented
three
>> kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.  They also had myths.  A
myth
>> is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him
in the
>> River Stynx until he became intolerable.  Achilles appears in "The
Illiad", by
>> Homer.  Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last
hardship
>> that Ulysses endured on his journey.  Actually, Homer was not written by
Homer
>> but by another man of that name.
>>
>>     Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice.
>> They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
>>
>>     In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and
>> threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The
government
>> of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own
hands.
>> There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they
couldn't
>> climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.  When they fought the
>> Parisians,  the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more
men.
>>
>>     Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.  History call people
Romans
>> because they never stayed in one place for very long.  At Roman banquets,
the
>> guests wore garlic in their hair.  Julius Caesar extinguished himself on
the
>> battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March killed him because they thought
he
>> was going to be made king.  Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his
poor
>> subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
>>
>>     Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames, King
Arthur
>> lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the
>> Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw,
and the
>> victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.  Finally, the Magna
Carta
>> provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
>>
>>     In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.  The greatest
writer
>> of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote
liter-
>> ature.  Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple
>> while standing on his son's head.
>>     The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value
of
>> their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg
>> for selling papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated
>> by a bull.  It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude
that
>> made him the father of the Renaissance.  It was an age of great
inventions and
>> discoveries.  Gutenberg invented the Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical
>> figure because he invented cigarettes.  Another important invention was
the
>> circulation of blood.  Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a
100-foot
>> clipper.
>>
>>     The government of England was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII found
walking
>> difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.  Queen Elizabeth was the
"Vir-
>> gin Queen."  As a queen she was a success.  When Elizabeth exposed
herself be-
>> fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah."  Then her navy went out and
>> defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
>>
>>     The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear
>> never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.  He lived
in
>> Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors.  In
one
>> of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by
relieving
>> himself in a long soliloquy.  In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince
Mac-
>> beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.  Romeo and Juliet are an
>> example of a heroic couplet.  Writing at the same time as Shakespear was
Miquel
>> Cervantes.  He wrote "Donkey Hote".  The next great author was John Milto
n.
>> Milton wrote "Paradise Lost."  Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise
>> Regained."
>>
>>     During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a
great
>> navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.  His
ships
>> were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later the Pilgrims
>> crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress.  When they
>> landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the
hill
>> rolling their was hoops before them.  The Indian squabs carried porposies
on
>> their back.  Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their
>> cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.  The winter of 1620 was a hard
one
>> for the settlers.  Many people died and many babies were born.  Captain
John
>> Smith was responsible for all this.
>>
>>     One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in
>> their tea.  Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post
with-
>> out stamps.  During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls
over
>> stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.  Finally,
the
>> colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
>>     Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress.
>> Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
>> Declaration of Independence.  Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all
his
>> clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.  He invented
elec-
>> tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against
itself
>> cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
>>
>>     George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the
Father
>> of Our Country.  Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted
to
>> secure domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
>> right to keep bare arms.
>>
>>     Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's
mother
>> died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own
>> hands.  When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.  He
said,
>> "In onion there is strength."  Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg
address
>> while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
He
>> also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
gave
>> the ex-Negroes citizenship.  But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and
lynch
>> the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.  On the night of April 14,
1865,
>> Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors
in
>> a moving picture show.  The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
sup-
>> posedl insane actor.  This ruined Booth's career.
>>
>>     Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltare
>> invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".  Gravity was
>> invented by Issac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when
the
>> apples are flaling off the trees.
>>
>>     Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel
>> was half German, half Italian and half English.  He was very large.  Bach
died
>> from 1750 to the present.  Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
He
>> was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the forest even
when
>> everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died
for
>> this.
>>
>>     France was in a very serious state.  The French Revolution was
accomplished
>> before it happened.  The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolu-
>> tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the Napoleonic Wars, the
crowned
>> heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.  Then the Spanish gorrilas
came
>> down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon became ill
with
>> bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.  He wanted an heir
to
>> inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear
him
>> any children.
>>
>>     The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in
>> the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was the longest
queen.
>> She sat on a thorn for 63 years.  He reclining years and finally the end
of
>> her life were exemplatory of a great personality.  Her death was the
final
>> event which ended her reign.
>>
>>     The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts.
>> The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus
>> McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred
men.
>> Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.  Louis Pastuer discovered a
cure
>> for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the
>> Species".  Madman Curie discovered radium.  And Karl Marx became one of
the
>> Marx Brothers.
>>
>>     The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf,
>> ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
>>
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