From college.  Poking fun at the people who are laughing all the way to the
bank...

Subject: Titanic


>  A Shorter, Harsher Titanic
>
>
>   (Scene 1)
>
> KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
>
> KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you
> asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will
> amount to nothing.
>
> KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they
>  know this priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
>
> LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have
> seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You
> are very pretty.
>
> KATE: Thank you. So are you.
>
> LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
> "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back
> again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be
> soaking wet.
>
> KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here
> and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested
> until the boat sinks and people start dying.
>
>WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though
>you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat
>you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be
> physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience
>really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one dimensional,
>perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
>
> AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least
>  a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours,
> and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so
> therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo
> who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you,
> even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
>
>
>   ***
>   (Scene 2)
>
> LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could
> cheat on your fiance.
>
> KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
> commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot
> climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together.
> The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the
> cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably
> be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the samething to me.
>
> AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
>
> LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of
> course you have to take off your clothes.
>
>KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
>successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for
that
>sort of thing?
>
>LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three  weeks the
film
>is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell
>out.
>
>NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what
>happened.
>
>KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
>
>   ***
>   (Scene 3)
>
>FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
>
>CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
>
>ICEBERG: (hits boat)
>
>FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
>
>CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
>
>AUDIENCE: (silence)
>
>FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
>
>AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
>
>  ***
>(Scene 4)
>
>LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking
>
>KATE: That is terrible
>
>LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
>behavior?
>
>KATE: Certainly.
>
>WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal
>here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet
>somehow-less- annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to
>this  pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the
>fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
>
> LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
>
> WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save
> Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway-
>
> AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
>
> LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
>
> AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
>
> WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
>
>   ***
>   (Scene 5)
>
>150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my  evil
>fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it
>hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an
>actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty
much
>dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my
supper?
>I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears
>hurt. You kids today,with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey!
>Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty- Patootie! I'd turn you over my
>kneee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come
>back here!
>
>
>  (Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)
>
>
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>$-David S Rousso                                                         $
>$ Rutgers College-School of Business                                     $
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