In a message dated 98-08-11 19:29:57 EDT, [log in to unmask] writes:

>
>  >
>  >Airplane Humor
>  >
>  >
>  > Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
>  > safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
>  > that have been heard or reported:
>  >
>  > "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
>  > backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
>  >
>  > "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
>  > out of this airplane..."
>  >
>  > "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
>  > emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
>  >
>  > "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
>  > contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing
>  > of the airplane."
>  >
>  > "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
>  > the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
>  >
>  > "Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and
>  > the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark,
>  > windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there, I really
>  > don't know."
>  >
>  > Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
>  > going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
>  > wish, but please stay inside the plane 'til we land... it's a bit cold
>  > outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
>  >
>  > And, after landing:  "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
>  > hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
>  > you for a ride."
>  >
>  > As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
>  > front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage
>  > from the overhead bins.  The head steward announced on the intercom,
>  > "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that
>  > monitors the cabin during taxiing.  Any passengers not remaining in
>  > their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at
>  > the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
>  >
>  > As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
>  > lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
>  >
>  > Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure,
>  > oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag
>  > over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults
>  > acting like  children."
>  >
>  > "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
>  > belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
>  > flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>  >
>  > And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
>  > some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately
>  > none of them are on this flight."
>  >
>
>
>  --------- End forwarded message ----------
>