hi all

i've been thinking and mulling and thinking
about the current discussions in re anger and acceptance

i hope these contribute something positive.

A. this is from 'emotional intelligence' by daniel goleman:

"Anger is the mood most people are worst at controlling. Indeed, anger is =
the
most seductive of the negative emotions; the self-righteous inner monologu=
e
that propels it along fills the mind with the most convincing arguments fo=
r
venting rage.

"Unlike sadness, anger is energising, even exhilarating. Anger's seductive=
,
persuasive power may in itself explain why some views about it are so comm=
on:
that anger is uncontrollable, or that, at any rate, it should not be
controlled, and that venting anger in 'catharsis' is all to the good. ..

"But a careful reading of research findings suggests that all these common
attitudes toward anger are misguided, if not outright myths."

B. this is from 'feeling good' by dr. david d. burns:

"Traditionally psychotherapists [and the general public] have conceptualiz=
ed
two primary ways to deal with anger: [a] anger turned 'inward'; or [b] ang=
er
turned 'outward'.

"The former solutions is felt to be the 'sick' one - you internalize your
aggression and absorb resentment like a sponge. Ulimately it corrodes you =
and
leads to guilt and depression. Early psychoanalysts such as Freud felt tha=
t
internalized anger was the cause of depression. Unfortunately, there is no
convincing evidence in support of this notion.

"The second solution is said to be the 'healthy' one - you express your an=
ger,
and as you ventilate your feelings, you presumably feel better. The proble=
m
with this simplistic approach is that it doesn't work very well. If you go
around ventilating all your anger, people will soon regard you as loony. A=
nd
at the same time you aren't learning how to deal with people in society
without getting angry.

The cognitive solution transcends both of these. You have a third option: =
Srop
creating your anger. You don't have to choose between holding it in or let=
ting
it our because it won't exist."

C. this is from my web page:
http://www.newcountry.nu/pd/members/janet/anger.htm

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anger =A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0 98/02/18
------------------------------------------------------------

hi sibling!

you wrote, in part:
>> [hanging on to] anger
>> is like burning down the house
>> to catch the mouse
>>
>>=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 [paraphrased] lao tse
>
>This sounds like anger is a bad thing?

not at all
but it needs care-full examination as to its cause
and care-full consideration as to its mode of expression

>OK, hanging on to it forever is destructive,

exactly
otherwise known as 'nursing a grudge'
which can also translate into bitter unforgiving
which is where the self destructive aspect comes in
[i.e. burning the house down]

>...but *my* problem has always been that I've been
>too compliant! I've always let people run me over...

i know this one well -
the 'mr.[ms] nice guy[gal] syndrome'
we think that we will gain approval/validation
by 'doing' or 'being' what others want us to 'do' or 'be'
we think we need to gain approval/validation
we don't need it
we already have it
we can't 'get it' from others
we have it within us
it came with the package
we have simply forgotten where we put it

>and finally I have been standing
>there feeling like "nobody listens"...

that's where the frustration comes in
we can't 'make' others do anything
we can't 'make' them listen to us
we can't 'make' them like us
no matter how much
we think we want/need them to
another side of that coin is
nothing that others do can 'make' us feel anything
we create our own emotions
through our perceptions of others' actions
and the meanings/baggage that we attach to them

>Anger doesn't have to mean yelling and striking people!
>It can also be that intense feeling of "what they are doing
>to me is wrong! I will not let them do it to me!".

absolutely
acting in an assertive manner
can result from anger or from other feelings
but self-assertion is not the same thing as anger or aggression
assertion is a positive act
based on knowing one's 'worth' is beyond doubt
aggression is a negative act
based on fear that one's 'worth' is under threat

>For me, it is the driving force that gives me
>energy to stand up and fight when others ignore me
>and my value (as well as the value of others).

whew!
this sounds like anger/adrenalin
arising out of a perceived injustice and a desire to 'right the wrong'
the trick/work is in the perception of the 'injustice'

if we think about it for a bit
the 'injustice' may be
something else

we always have a choice
as animals we can act on instinct
as humans we can act without thinking
as mature humans we can think before acting

thanks for dragging this out of me, sibling
i think!

your cyber-sibling
[who used to set records in grudge-keeping]

janet

------------------------------------------------------------

D. and this is from another of my web-pages:
http://www.newcountry.nu/pd/members/janet/accept.htm

------------------------------------------------------------
"acceptance" re-evaluated =A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0 98/03=
/02
------------------------------------------------------------

hi all

i just realized
that i have been using the term "acceptance" incorrectly
in several on-line conversations with many of you

e.g. the most recent being in a reply to
the 'early morning musings' message:
>anger / denial / bargaining / acceptance
>are the stages we all go through
>in dealing with any
>perceived loss

my not-close-enough pals,
Roget and his Thesaurus, tell me
that the primary synonyms of the verb 'accept' are:
1. receive, take, allow, admit
2. accede to, agree to, acknowledge, recognize
3. assume, undertake, take on
4. reconcile oneself to, suffer, endure***

in my use of the term 'acceptance'
i had intended none of the negative shadings of no.4.
and have concluded that a better term to properly reflect my meaning is:
'recognize':
1. identify, recall
2. acknowledge, perceive, accept, own***
3. approve, sanction
4. honour, salute

no. 2 above is the meaning i had intended
and is quite different from what may have been interpreted

whew!
isn't the english language a challenge?!

my re-evaluation resulted from a friend telling me this:
>>acceptance is also saying we can't do better.
>>ever.

my reply in part was:
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D

that's not what i mean by 'acceptance' at all at all...

i don't mean the negative connotations
attached to acceptance =3D suffer, endure, resign oneself to
i.e. give in and roll over and play dead

 i mean accept =3D recognize =3D be aware of, own, perceive
i.e. face the facts as they are today
since today is all we really have to work with
and do the best you can with what you have
rather than be-moaning what you don't have

i certainly don't mean that all hope is lost
not at all
and yes
we can always do better
but we have to be flexible enough
to see that new methods/priorities might be called for
under new circumstances

the pre-pd 'you' no longer exists...
[just as the teenager 'you' no longer exists]
accepting your reality today
does not preclude possible changes in conditions in the future

sorta like getting upset and depressed about getting older
why waste the energy?...

nothing is carved in stone
none of us know
what is coming

sorry this is so long, siblings,
but i felt it was a pretty basic misunderstanding
that i wanted and needed to correct

your cyber-sis in synonym-land

janet

who we are
is where we have been
------------------------------------------------------------


janet paterson - 51/41/37 - almonte/ontario/canada
http://www.newcountry.nu/pd/members/janet/
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