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Anyone who does not want to have a little entertainment provided by columnist
Dave Barry, should delete this.  I suggest reading it.  Enjoy!
[log in to unmask]

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Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 12:42:39 -0500 (EST)
From: Andrew Seth Becker <[log in to unmask]>
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Subject: Fw: funny  (fwd)
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---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 12:33:58 -0500
From: "Joshua D. Miron" <[log in to unmask]>
To: "Joel D. Miron" <[log in to unmask]>, Rachel E Miron <[log in to unmask]>=
,
    Jason Graham <[log in to unmask]>, Holly DeGraff <[log in to unmask]>,
    David Cone <[log in to unmask]>,
    Andrew Becker <[log in to unmask]>,
    Aaron Issacs <[log in to unmask]>
Subject: Fw: funny


-----Original Message-----
From: Shawn Michaelson <[log in to unmask]>
To: Josh Miron <[log in to unmask]>
Date: Thursday, November 05, 1998 9:08 AM
Subject: Fw: funny shit



--



> >25 things I have learned in 50 years
> >by Dave Barry
> >
> >1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
> >helicopters in it.
> >
> >2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
> >compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
> >
> >3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent
> >sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
> >
> >4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is
> >entertainment.
> >
> >5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
> >suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
> >emerging from her at that moment.
> >
> >6. A penny saved is worthless.
> >
> >7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never
> >be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is
> >hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet
> >except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle
> >East will be bitter enemies.
> >
> >8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
> >
> >9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
> >gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep =
down
> >inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
> >
> >10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
> >make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
> >
> >11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
> >
> >12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
> >never want you to share yours with them.
> >
> >13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer
> >that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need=
 a
> >new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions
> >of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE
> >YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this conc=
ept
> >into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "=
SIX
> >QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the ne=
xt
> >time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN =
AN
> >APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it
> >with hammers.
> >
> >14. Nobody is normal.
> >
> >15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very
> >excited and announce that:
> >
> >      * The universe is even bigger than they thought!
> >      * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
> >      * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is
> >        wrong.
> >
> >16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
> >race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word
> >would be "meetings."
> >
> >17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
> >annoy people who are not in them.
> >
> >18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite
> >of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
> >
> >      * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's
> >      Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that
> >      this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobile's, appeals
> >      primarily to old farts like your father.
> >
> >      * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince
> >      you that there are significant differences between these two
> >      products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are
> >      virtually identical.
> >
> >      * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes
> >      enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to
> >      disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic
> >      ability.
> >
> >      * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign
> >      stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on"
> >      date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to
> >      do with how good a beer tastes.
> >
> >19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all
> >of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He wil=
l
> >not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
> >
> >20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
> >
> >21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
> >nice person.
> >
> >22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
> >seriously.
> >
> >23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
> >individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Ver=
y
> >often, that individual is crazy.
> >
> >24. Your friends love you anyway.
> >
> >25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

--------------------
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<DIV>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><B>-----Original Message-----</B><BR><B>F=
rom:
</B>Shawn Michaelson &lt;<A
href=3D"mailto:[log in to unmask]">[log in to unmask]<=
/A>&gt
;<BR><B>To:
</B>Josh Miron &lt;<A
href=3D"mailto:[log in to unmask]">[log in to unmask]</A>&gt;<BR=
><B>Da
te:
</B>Thursday, November 05, 1998 9:08 AM<BR><B>Subject: </B>Fw: funny
shit<BR><BR></DIV></FONT>
<DIV>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><B>--</B></FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2><BR>&gt; &gt;25 things I have learned =
in 50
years <BR>&gt; &gt;by Dave Barry<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;1. The badness o=
f a
movie is directly proportional to the number of <BR>&gt; &gt;helicopters i=
n
it.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;2. You will never find anybody who can give y=
ou a
clear and<BR>&gt; &gt;compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings
time.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;3. People who feel the need to tell you tha=
t
they
have an excellent<BR>&gt; &gt;sense of humor are telling you that they hav=
e no
sense of humor.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;4. The most valuable function
performed
by the federal government is <BR>&gt; &gt;entertainment.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&=
gt;
&gt;5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely<BR>&gt;=

&gt;suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby&nb=
sp;
<BR>&gt; &gt;emerging from her at that moment.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;6.=
 A
penny saved is worthless.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;7. They can hold all th=
e
peace talks they want, but there will never<BR>&gt; &gt;be peace in the Mi=
ddle
East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is <BR>&gt; &gt;hurtling towa=
rd
the
Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet<BR>&gt; &gt;except a few=

microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle<BR>&gt; &gt;East w=
ill
be
bitter enemies.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;8. The most powerful force in the=

universe is gossip. <BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;9. The one thing that unites=
 all
human beings, regardless of age,<BR>&gt; &gt;gender, religion, economic
status,
or ethnic background, is that, deep down<BR>&gt; &gt;inside, we all believ=
e
that
we are above-average drivers.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;10. There comes a t=
ime
when you should stop expecting other people to<BR>&gt; &gt;make a big deal
about
your birthday. That time is age 11.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;11. There is =
a
very
fine line between &quot;hobby&quot; and &quot;mental illness.&quot; <BR>&g=
t;
&gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;12. People who want to share their religious views with y=
ou
almost<BR>&gt; &gt;never want you to share yours with them.<BR>&gt;
&gt;<BR>&gt;
&gt;13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer<BR>&=
gt;
&gt;that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives nee=
d
a<BR>&gt; &gt;new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting throu=
gh
millions<BR>&gt; &gt;of possible plot premises, it spits out, &quot;THREE
QUIRKY
BUT ATTRACTIVE<BR>&gt; &gt;YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT,&quot; and =
the
executives turn this concept<BR>&gt; &gt;into a show. The next time they n=
eed
an
idea, the computer spits out, &quot;SIX<BR>&gt; &gt;QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE
YOUNG
PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.&quot; Then the next<BR>&gt; &gt;time, it sp=
its
out, &quot;FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN <BR>&gt;
&gt;APARTMENT.&quot; And so on. We need to locate this computer and destro=
y
it<BR>&gt; &gt;with hammers.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;14. Nobody is
normal.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;15. At least once per year, some group of=

scientists will become very<BR>&gt; &gt;excited and announce that:<BR>&gt;=

&gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; * The universe is even big=
ger
than they thought!<BR>&gt; &gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; * There are =
even
more subatomic particles than they thought! <BR>&gt;
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; * Whatever they announced last year abo=
ut
global warming is <BR>&gt; &gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
wrong.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;16. If you had to identify, in one word, t=
he
reason why the human<BR>&gt; &gt;race has not achieved, and never will
achieve,
its full potential, that word<BR>&gt; &gt;would be
&quot;meetings.&quot;<BR>&gt;
&gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized prote=
sts
is
to<BR>&gt; &gt;annoy people who are not in them.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;=
18.
The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite<BR>&gt;
&gt;of
what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt;
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; * If the advertisement says &quot;This =
is
not
your father's<BR>&gt; &gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Oldsmobile,&quot;=
 the
advertiser is desperately concerned that <BR>&gt;
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; this Oldsmobile, like all other
Oldsmobile's,
appeals<BR>&gt; &gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; primarily to old farts =
like
your father. <BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; * If
Coke
and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince<BR>&gt;
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; you that there are significant differen=
ces
between these two <BR>&gt; &gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; products, bo=
th
companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are<BR>&gt;
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; virtually identical.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&g=
t;
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; * If the advertisement strongly suggest=
s
that
Nike shoes<BR>&gt; &gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; enable athletes to
perform
amazing feats, Nike wants you to <BR>&gt; &gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbs=
p;
disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic <BR>&gt;
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ability.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt;
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; * If Budweiser runs an elaborate
advertising
campaign<BR>&gt; &gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; stressing the critical=

importance of a beer's &quot;born-on&quot;<BR>&gt;
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; date, Budweiser knows this factor has
virtually nothing to <BR>&gt; &gt;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; do with h=
ow
good a beer tastes.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;19. If there really is a God =
who
created the entire universe with all<BR>&gt; &gt;of its glories, and He
decides
to deliver a message to humanity, He will<BR>&gt; &gt;not use, as His
messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;20. Yo=
u
should not confuse your career with your life. <BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;2=
1. A
person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a<BR>&gt; &gt;ni=
ce
person.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;22. No matter what happens, somebody will
find
a way to take it too <BR>&gt; &gt;seriously.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;23. =
When
trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one<BR>&gt; &gt;indivi=
dual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very <BR>&gt;
&gt;often, that individual is crazy.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;24. Your fri=
ends
love you anyway.<BR>&gt; &gt;<BR>&gt; &gt;25. Nobody cares if you can't da=
nce
well. Just get up and dance.</FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>


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