> >    Subject: UPDATED RETIREMENT PLAN
> >
> >    As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for
> >    departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our
> >    number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees
> >    will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting
> >    the retention of the younger people who
> >    represent our future plans. Therefore, a program to
> >    phase out older personnel by the end of the current
> >    fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
> >    immediately. This program will be known as RAPE
> >    (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are
> >    RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other
> >    jobs outside the company. Provided that they are RAPED,
> >    they can request a review of their employment records
> >    before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the
> >    operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of
> >    Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been
> >    RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with  upper
> >    management. This phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
> >    Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the
> >    new policy, an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED
> >    twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company
> >    deems appropriate. If the employee follows the above
> >    procedures, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES
> >    (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
> >    Severance) or CLAP (Combined lump-Sum Assistance
> >    Payment), unless her or she already has AIDS (Additional
> >    Income from Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP
> >    are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
> >    received HERPES and CLAP will no longer be RAPED or
> >    SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure
> >    the younger employees who remain on board that the
> >    company will continue its policy to assure that employees
> >    are well trained through our Special High Intensity
> >    Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount
> >    of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our
> >    employees more SHIT than any other company in the area.
> >    If any employee feels that he or she does not receive
> >    enough SHIT on the job, see your supervisor immediately.
> >    Your supervisor is especially trained to make sure that
> >    you receive all the SHIT that you can possibly need.
> >    -------------------------------
> >