Errrrr... There seems to be some confusion as to Stacey's gender here
on the List.

Stacey's a member of the same  PD support L.A. based PD support group
that I belong to so I've actually seen 'em in person. Stacey's
definitely a MALE-TYPE-PERSON.

Barb Mallut (waving at Stacey)
[log in to unmask]
-----Original Message-----
From: janet paterson <[log in to unmask]>
To: Multiple recipients of list PARKINSN
<[log in to unmask]>
Date: Wednesday, December 23, 1998 5:14 AM
Subject: deja vu all over again / for stacey et al / part 1 of 2


>hi stacey and al;
>
>this is the part of a group of messages
>which i have sent to several people privately on request
>in the past
>
>i put this one together for stacey
>and was going to send it to her privately as well
>
>but then i thought,
>"nope; this one's for sharing"
>
>it's sort of deja-vu all over again, no?
>
>janet
>
>
>-------------------------------------------------------
>Subj:   cyber-siblings-on-the-move
>Date:   14 july 1998
>From:   [log in to unmask]
>-------------------------------------------------------
>
>hi sibling!
>
>this is the first of five messages with info in re cd
>[clinical depression]
>
>you are probably wondering
>why would i write all of this to a 'stranger'?
>simple
>you are not a stranger at all
>
>anyone who is in clinical depression
>is my sibling-in-slime [!]
>always has been
>always will be
>
>if i can get through it
>so can you
>but you cannot do it by yourself
>that's why i want you to read all the other pages i've sent
>
>your emotional and rational perceptions have been been distorted
>by an imbalance in your brain chemistry [cd]
>just as your physical motor responses have been affected
>by an imbalance in your brain chemistry [pd]
>
>trying to consider your situation rationally now
>with your thought processes distorted as they are
>is impossible
>so you'll just have to trust me on this one
>and start reading
>
>why should you trust me?
>for the same reason i'm sending all this to you
>
>anyone who is in clinical depression is
>my sibling-in-slime
>always has been
>always will be
>
>with much love for you and yours
>
>your cyber-sis
>
>janet
>
>
>-------------------------------------------------------
>Subj: CD: perceptions
>Date: 14 july 1997
>-------------------------------------------------------
>
>dear cyber-siblings
>
>for those who don't know me very well
>i use the term 'siblings' consciously and deliberately
>
>this group has great importance to me as an extended family
>
>i live on an island with a population of 55,000
>[until december 1997]
>and have never met another parkie
>[until january 1998]
>let alone a support group
>so 'you lot' are it
>
>since october 1995
>when i was privileged to join this ethereal family
>i have:
>posted daily at times
>posted infrequently at times
>lurked for months at a stretch
>all depending on my own circumstances and my own energy levels
>
>i deal with parkinson's disease [pd]
>as well as with clinical depression [cd]
>and at times, i think cd is the harder battle
>
>when my thinking
>is bright and clear
>my sense of self is strong
>my sense of humour is at its goofiest
>my inherent natural joy in life is in top form
>and my tolerance for the actions of others is at its most generous
>
>when i am caught
>in the Grey Cloud [GC]
>of Clinical Depression [CD]
>or other Similarly Laden Internalized Modes of Expression [SLIME!]
>my thinking becomes
>consistently negative
>my sense of self is muddied
>the joy in life doesn't exist
>[and never did, and never will return]
>
>there is little in this wide world and dark to laugh at
>and there are very few people out there
>[a] who are worth my attention and
>[b] who would ever feel i was worthy of their attention.
>
>this kind of murky thinking grows slowly and insidiously
>and feeds on itself in a slippery downward spiral
>i know it intimately
>
>the hardest work i've done in the past few years
>is learn to recognise it
>for what it is
>
>once i realize what's going on
>a little crack appears in the overhead gloom
>and then it's 'just' a matter of consciously working
>at reversing the downhill slide by whatever means necessary
>
>for me
>the epiphany
>in this struggle was
>suddenly learning that i had a choice in my emotional reactions
>
>that these dank cobwebby veils of negative emotion
>were hanging all around me
>because i allowed them to
>
>that is not to say
>that i'm 'guilty' of causing my own murk
>rather
>i comprehend that i have a conscious choice
>and in using that choice
>there is strength
>
>our society's brain-washing-staining includes a chronic tendency
>to look at things through a lens of confrontation
>
>life and its challenges are tackled
>from the narrow perspective of
>either / or
>all or nothing
>my way or the highway
>if something's wrong, someone must be blamed
>and on and on
>
>from a wide angle perspective
>i believe this approach results
>in global confrontations like bosnia, belfast, et al
>
>from a close-up perspective
>i believe this approach results
>in personal problems like family estrangement
>i know that intimately too.
>
>i have an inherent distaste for any kind of censorship
>and would resist any attempt to restrict
>my own voice
>
>where am i going with all this?
>
>choice - i can choose how i feel and react to circumstances and
individuals
>
>confront - all of society [including me] are conditioned to
confrontation
>
>voice - i demand the right to my own voice
>
>if my re-actions are coloured by my negative choice
>then i'm doomed to confrontation and censorship as coping techniques
>
>if my re-actions are coloured by my positive choice
>then the conditioning comes under question and voices are heard
>
>i had a hard time
>wrapping my brain around the idea
>that i have a choice in how i react to things
>including how i react emotionally
>this helped:
>
>-------------------------------------------------------
>     as novices we think we're entirely responsible for
>     the way people treat us
>     i have long since learned that we are responsible only for
>     the way we treat people
>
>           rose lane
>-------------------------------------------------------
>
>i think this concept has been wonderfully demonstrated
>by the incredible people on this list
>in the range of re-actions posted
>in regard to jeanne's message 'get a clue'
>
>jeanne was obviously 'spilling' a lot of anger and frustration;
>as a 'receiver' i could have reacted with
>anger
>and interpreted her words as out of line and insulting
>or fear
>and interpreted her words as a personal attack
>or acceptance
>and interpreted her words as her opinion, nothing more, nothing less
>or empathy
>and interpreted her words as her expression of frustration
>whatever
>
>but it is my choice now
>i'm not at the mercy of the tempest
>
>no one or thing can 'make' me feel anything
>my emotions are my own
>
>i can choose to see the cup as half empty
>and worry about what i don't have
>or
>i can choose to see the cup as half full
>and enjoy what i have
>
>it's still the same cup
>but my outlook is not
>
>i can see jeanne's or ken's or whoever's messages
>
>as annoying or as communication
>they are still the same messages but my outlook is not
>
>i can see the volume of messages on the list
>as an overwhelming burden or as generous sharing
>the volume is still the same but my outlook is not
>
>janet
>
>-------------------------------------------------------
>Subj: CD: perceptions of rainbows
>Date: 15 July 1997
>-------------------------------------------------------
>
>hi marling!
>
>you wrote:
>>your outlook is great
>>I have always felt that I am responsible for
>>my own actions and reactions and no one else's.
>
>...thank you for your kind words
>
>but...
>if you have 'always' felt that way
>how come you didn't let me in on the secret earlier?
>
>here i am a grown woman of 50
>and sometimes i feel like i'm still in kindergarten!
>
>>By the way, I have also found that I can color that hole.
>>Mine now has rainbow swirls. It makes it cheery (ha ha).
>
>i have described the 'paralysis of will'
>that accompanies slimey thinking
>as akin to functioning in
>a vat of green jello
>[extra thick]
>but
>i like your idea better
>
>your syb-sis
>
>janet
>
>-------------------------------------------------------
>Subj: CD: perceptions shared
>Date: 15 july 1997
>-------------------------------------------------------
>
>hi margie!
>
>you wrote:
>>Wonderful description of depression and our choices of
>>what to do about it. It's easier said than done to make
>>those choices when in the midst of depression, and your
>>letter makes clear, but the choices are there.
>>I'm going to save your article to re-read and to share
>>with friends, if you don't mind. Thanks.
>
>thank you for your kind words
>and please feel free to share away!
>
>recognising cd is the hardest aspect i think
>probably followed by accepting it
>and deciding to deal with it
>
>it's as common as the common cold
>but more so in parkies
>
>it's been hidden away in the 'looneybin' closet
>for too long
>
>as far as i'm concerned:
>if i have double-vision
>i have a type of bio-visual imbalance
>which needs to be corrected
>no shame/guilt/fear attached
>
>if i have pd
>i have a type of dopamine bio-chemical imbalance
>which needs to be corrected
>no shame/guilt/fear attached
>
>if i have cd
>i have a type of serotonin bio-chemical imbalance
>which needs to be corrected
>no shame/guilt/fear attached
>
>the 'corrections'
>are simply the ways and means i have at my disposal
>to 'tune-up' and 'fine-tune' as much as possible
>this bio-chemical body
>that i live in
>cuz i don't have a spare one handy
>
>the catch 22 of cd
>relative to other 'physical' imbalances
>is that it affects my perception of myself and my world
>
>the only reason i could recognise it in myself the first time
>was because i had done a lot of reading on the subject
>in order to understand someone near and dear
>
>after i was on an anti-depressant medication for a few weeks
>the clouds broke and the sun blazed through one day
>when i caught myself singing on the way to work
>for the first time in two years
>
>at that moment i fully realized
>[a] that there really had been clouds
>[b] that they had been dogging me for two years
>[c] that they had snuck up behind me silent and slow
>[d] that they had been twisting my perceptions like fun-house
mirrors
>except that it wasn't very much fun
>
>however
>from the perspective i now have
>i can look on all of it as invaluable growing experience
>and would not change a thing
>not cd and not pd
>
>how else would i have arrived at this point
>of sharing so much with you?
>
>janet
>
>...................continued in part 2 of 2
>janet paterson - 51 now /41 dx /37 onset - almonte/ontario/canada
>[log in to unmask]
>