Dear list: I wrote this rough draft last night but couldn't wait to share it.
Its true based on my condition and marital status 3 or 4 yrs ago.
nervously, Bill

A Bad Night/A Good Care-giver


my body roughly shakes me awake
callously shredding the pretense of sleep
the movement so ludicrously lacking
a few hours ago
absurdly amplified
leaden limbs now spastic plastic
thrash about energetically
the bed's squeaking and creaking
intruding on my wife's scant moments of sleep
my gyrations making us both
bizarre synchronized swimmers
I grab the pole next to the bed
locking my muscles hoping to quell the riot
holding my breath, concentrating
calm, calm
the sensible thing to do
wait this stage out
these extra movements will pass
eventually
but my bladder is demanding attention
so I haul my earthquaking body
out of bed and moonwalk to our bathroom
I relieve myself clumsily, noisily
but fairly accurately
I am far too bouncy to return to bed
I am reluctant to wake my wife
again, as I already had to for my 2:00 am pills
as I was too stiff to move
it's 3:30 now
and I'm rockin' and rollin'
it's only another hour and a half
before she has to get up for work
I will go work on the computer
typing at an astonishing speed
but hitting all the wrong letters
gradually my body slows
4:15 and I'm now typing with one finger
4:30 I am not mobile enough to rise from my chair
4:45 I am in a great deal of pain
my back muscles locked
unable to turn my head
this is the final quarter
of my 4 hour cycle
where I can either cheat
and take extra pain killers
or take my next dose early
either of which has dire consequences
of its' own
besides it's not an option now
because I have no pills within reach
it won't be long, I tell myself
Anita will be up
beads of sweat drip on the keyboard
each breath brings more pain
I am totally locked up
the poem that was going so beautifully
lost in the twilight zone
I focus on the clock on the computer
4:50 it won't be long now
an eternity passes
I am twisting to the side
only the chair arm is keeping me
from falling over like Arte Johnson
on his tricycle on laugh in
that image makes me snort
cut off quickly when my whole body objects
owwwww
it is now difficult to breathe
I am soaked in sweat
teeth clenched, heart pounding
4:55  God, I hope that clock's not fast
4:56  C'mon clock, I'm starting to moan
4:57  My head is curled against my chest,
       all my muscles are contracting, cramping
4:58  I can't see through the combination
      of sweat and tears
4:59  Hey I think, If I could have blood I'd have a band
      snort, owwww
5:00   I strain to listen for the alarm to go off
praying Anita won't try to grab a few more minutes rest
5:01, 5:02 What the h...
then I hear the tiny alarm Anita uses to avoid waking me at
the ungodly hour she gets up
I hear her sigh
even through two doors
the fatigue is heartrending
She calls softly,
Bill?
She opens the bedroom door and comes into my office
By now the sweat has dried and I am shaking with pain
and cold
She looks down at me
at the unfinished work on the screen
gently she straightens me in my chair
she asks "why didn't you call me"
already knowing the answer she continues
"I'll get your 6 oclock's now"
her instant assessment of my condition-
she's seen me like this far too many times
not just in the computer room
but also after marathon poker games
or at bingo
or when we are out
I try to nod and smile
and say I'm ok but just manage a gurgle
she disappears, reappearing instantly
she puts the pills in my mouth carefully
and gently tips
a glass of milk to my lips
I swallow while looking
in her eyes trying to tell her
how much I love her, need her
but she is busily turning my chair
placing my feet in position
Ready? she asks
I nod, the comfort of her prescence
already working a small miracle
she takes my outstretched hands
leans back
pulling me to my feet
with her encouragement
"big steps, big steps"
we stagger into the bedroom
she helps me sit
then swings my body and legs up
with experienced effeciency
covers me with a light blanket
takes my hands out
adjusts my pillows
does everything perfectly
then with a brief smile
she rushes off
to start preparing
for her other full time job
she will telephone around 7:30
to make sure the boys get up
get themselves ready for school
and remember to check on me
before they leave
or she'll use her break
to dash home ensure I'm ok
drop the boys off at school
back to work...

I'm alone until 9:00
a short terrifying time
if I'm awake
9:00  is when my homemaker arrives
and begins the arduous task
of trying to get me up
showered and dressed and fed
in a two hour time slot
this usually involves a rubdown
with a-35 to get me loosened up enough
so with assistance I can shower and dress

usually someone will check on me around noon
then Anita's home again after 2
to do the cleaning and shopping
running silly errands for  me
driving the boys around
cooking supper, doing the dishes
maybe a couple loads of laundry...

beautifull  poetry in constant motion
but how long can she go on
with 20 hour days
I wonder if Parkinson's
is my curse
or her's

Bill Harrington
ps we seperated 3 years ago


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