I apologize but I just couldn't resist this to lighten things up - but ain't
it the truth.
Bob Anibal
-----Original Message-----
From: DAVID OAKES <[log in to unmask]>
To: Bob A <[log in to unmask]>
Date: Wednesday, February 03, 1999 3:35 PM
Subject: funny]


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>> STRANGE OLD LADY
>>
>> A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has
>> moved into my house. I have no idea who she is,where she
>> came from,or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All
>> I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she
>> was.
>>
>> She is a very clever old lady. She manages to keep out of sight
>> for the most part but, whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a
>> glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror directly, to
>> check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing
>> and completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This
>> is very rude.
>>
>> I have tried screaming at her to stop it but, she just screams
>> back, grimacing horribly. She is really quite frightening!
>>
>> If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer
>> to pay a little rent. But, no! Every once in a while I do find a
>> dollar bill stuck into a coat pocket, or some loose change
>> under a sofa cushion but, that is not nearly enough.
>>
>> In fact,I dont want to jump to conclusions but, I think she is
>> stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw one
>> hundred dollars and a few days later it is all gone. I certainly
>> don't spend money that fast so I can only conclude that the
>> old lady is pilfering from me.
>>
>> You would think she would use some of that money to buy
>> some wrinkle cream. God knows she needs it! And money
>> isn't the only thing I think she is taking. Food seems to
>> disappear at an alarming rate too. Especially the good stuff
>> like ice cream, cookies, and candy. I just can't seem to keep
>> that stuff in the house any more. She must really have a sweet
>> tooth but, she better watch it because she is really packing on
>> the pounds! I think she realizes that and to make herself feel
>> better she is tampering with my scale to make me think that I
>> am putting on weight too.
>>
>> For an old lady, she really is quite childish though. She likes to
>> play these really nasty games like going into my closets when
>> I'm not home and altering my clothes so that they don't fit. Or
>> messing with my files and papers so that I can't find them.
>> This is particularly annoying since I am an extremely neat and
>> organized person. She fiddles with my VCR to make it not
>> record what I have carefully and correctly programed it to
>> record.
>>
>> She has found imaginative other ways to annoy me. She gets
>> to my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and
>> somehow blurs the print so badly that I can't see it. And she
>> has done something really sinister to the volume controls on
>> my TV, radio, and telephone so that all I hear are mumbles
>> and whispers.
>>
>> She has done other things like make my stairs steeper, my
>> vacuum cleaner heavier, and all my knobs and faucets hard to
>> turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and
>> out of it is a real challenge. Further more, she gets to my
>> groceries before I get them put away and applies super glue to
>> the lids making it almost impossible for me to open them. Is
>> this any way to repay my hospitality?
>>
>> I don't even get any respite at night because more than once
>> her snoring has awakened me. It is very unattractive! And as
>> if that weren't bad enough, she is no longer confining her
>> tactics to the house. She has found a way to sneak into my car
>> and follow me everywhere I go. She has completely taken the
>> fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she
>> tries on the same exact outfit and stands in front of the
>> dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally
>> ridiculous in the outfit and plus she keeps me from seeing how
>> great it looks on me.
>>
>> Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved
>> me wrong. She came with me to get my drivers license picture
>> taken and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped right
>> in front of me !! Who is going to believe that the picture of
>> that old lady is me?
>>
>> She is walking on very thin ice now and if she keeps this up, I
>> swear I will have her put away! But then, on second thought,
>> maybe I shouldn't be too hasty.I think I will check with the
>> IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent. Oh,oh, I
>> wonder if she has beat me to that first because she is always
>> on my computer too.
>>
>> *sigh*.....what's a body to do?????
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