Dateline:  Parkinsaw, MI: A View from the Lighter Side of PD, May 6,
1999


 Greetings from Parkinsaw, MI, the imaginary community of Parkinsonians
situated in Michigan's Upper Peninsula.  The Chamber of Commerce and the
merchants of this charming town welcome you.  Drive carefully, because
most of us up here may be slow but we're not too sure.  Watch out for
pigs on leashes and fishermen on pogo sticks.  We have to adjust our
publication schedule for a couple weeks on account of my 91 year-old
mother fell and broke her other hip.   She's one tough Norwegian, and
aside from the hip, is healthier than yours truly.  She's doing great
and soon will be back home.  As an aside,  I'm the only family member
with PD, and that includes going back three generations.

We start this week's report with a peek at the way of life of the Indian
tribes, which existed in the Upper Peninsula in the 18th century.  (I
wonder if they had PD?)  Numbering in the thousands, the Indians had a
rich history passed down in stories from generation to generation.  One
such story dates back to the era of 1760 during the settlement of the
area.  Apparently, there was quite a rare occurrence involving three
squaws who became pregnant at exactly the same time.  As the story goes,
each of the Indian women had been given a special mating rug by their
husbands.  The Chief's squaw had an imported Hippopotamus skin, which
was quite beautiful, while the two other squaws had been given local
bear skin rugs. Each day following their chores, the three women would
all sit in the sun on their rugs.  Finally, the time arrived for them to
give birth.  Of the women who had been given bear skin rugs, one had a
son and the other a daughter, while the Chief's wife gave birth to
twins, a boy and a girl.  As a result, it was known from that day forth
in local Indian lore that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the
sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

I met a man yesterday over at the Northern Lights microbrewery.  He said
he was from Lower Michigan, near Ann Arbor. He reminded me of my father
in a way, just over six feet, with a strong, well-preserved look, and
the tanned, weathered face of an outdoors sportsman.   His teeth were in
excellent shape, and his eyes sparkled with enthusiasm, although they
had a sadness that his glasses couldn't hide.  He was standing at the
bar, a cigarette dangling from his lips, nursing a Levolager beer.  He
had a minor tremor in his right hand.  During the ensuing conversation
about the Detroit Tigers playing near.500 ball this season, I asked him
if he happened to have Parkinson's since he was certainly in the right
place.  He smiled and said "that's why I'm up here in the U.P., I'm
moving to Parkinsaw.  Frankly, I was just diagnosed with the disease
last week.  The doctor said it was probably due to my self-destructive
life style."  I was intrigued, because although he was obviously getting
on in years, still seemed pretty healthy to me.   "You see, I've never
really taken of myself.  Every day of my life I've consumed a quart of
wine, 2-six packs of beer and a nice glass of port to go with my cigar
after dinner.  I smoke two packs of Camels a day, and, when I get the
urge to exercise, I lie down until it goes away'"  "Why that's amazing",
I said, "you look like you're in such excellent shape for your age.
Sir, if you don't mind my asking, how old are you?" The old man smiled,
and replied, " 26."

Tom Shelton had a scare yesterday.  Tom took a day off from his fishing
to practice riding a pogo stick in preparation for the forthcoming
Parka-Thon races.  The way he tells it he was doing quite well bouncing
along the sidewalk with his pet pig "Jake" on-leash, when suddenly his
normally controlled tremor hit him hard and he began to pick-up speed.
Worse, he couldn't stop on account of what was later described as a
"asymmetrical freeze syndrome", so with a sprong! He continued to bounce
along gaining speed heading right for the lake with Jake doing his best
to keep up.  Avoiding cars and pedestrians alike who all honked happily
while flashing him high-fives, Tom headed right for his beloved 10th
Street fishing pier where with a final sprong!  He bounced right off the
end of the pier and into the water, with Jake being pulled in right
along with him, grunting guttural sounds of protest.  Strangely, the
dousing seemed to break the tremor-freeze cycle and he was able to drag
himself back to shore pogo stick, pig and all.  Stranger still, Tom said
that although he was "hopping mad" he wasn't giving up on the pogo stick
races just yet.  I'm sure "Sprong" Shelton, as he's now known, will be
right in the middle of the competition.  We're quite sure Jake will
avoid pogo sticks at all hazards, though.

The list of events for the July 4th Parka-Thon competition is growing.
First, the pogo stick races, and now the latest entry is a half-mile
kayak race on Lake Parkinsaw.  Many of the Parkinsonians own and use
their kayaks for physical fitness.   In fact, some adventuresome souls
use their kayaks for camping on many of the remote pristine lakes found
here in the Upper Peninsula.  One story, which is frequently told and
re-told over beer, describes a camper who had become lost and was using
his kayak on shore as shelter on one dark and near freezing night.  The
camper had crawled inside the kayak and had made a small fire to keep
him warm.  Somehow, during the night the kayak caught fire and the
camper barely awoke in time to exit the kayak and save his life.  The
experience taught him a valuable lesson, though, which he swears helps
him to this day to face his struggles with PD:  You can't have your
kayak and heat it too.  (Quick, get the hook)

I wonder if there's something in our water up here, which could explain
all the wacky, self-administered attempts to alleviate the symptoms of
PD.  We just got wind of another hair-brained experiment which maybe
even too bazaar for Parkinsaw.  The details are sketchy, but it seems
that one Elmer Larson has modified one of those hair-drying hoods  found
in beauty shops by installing dozens of large suction cups, which are
connected to a powerful amplifier.  Then, connected to the amplifier are
a series of probes, which are inserted deep into the trunk of a healthy
tree. Elmer reasons that by accessing nature's energy flowing through a
tree upwards towards its branches can put the individual in harmony with
the healing power of the cosmos and provide some relief from PD
tremors.   If this works, it will down in history as really getting to
the root of a medical problem.  "The ultimate Tree-ment for
Parkinson's."

 In a more serious vein, nothing worth while in this life comes to us
without a cost.  Although the humorous stories we write about the
fictitious happenings in Parkinsaw are provided free of charge, we need
your support to make our grass roots fund-raising activity work.  The
Parkinson Alliance, within the National Parkinson Foundation, has
initiated a "Pennies for Parkinson's" campaign.  This campaign is
designed to support funding for 100 high-quality grants for each of the
next two years, with a goal to find a cure for this dreadful disease.
To keep within the spirit of the "Pennies for Parkinson's" theme, we
offer our program of Virtual Canisters on our web site to enable those
individuals who enjoy reading Parkinsaw, MI: A View from the Lighter
Side of PD, to make a minimum contribution of One Thousand Pennies.  To
relieve you of the arduous task of collecting, packing and mailing all
these pennies, we simply ask you to send a check for $10 made out to
Parkinson Alliance to us here at the Parkinsaw, MI collection center,
for forwarding on to Washington.  We want the checks to come here first
so we'll know how well Parkinsaw, MI collection efforts are doing.  For
more details, just click-on the "Thousand Pennies for Parkinson's"
selection on the main menu of the web site.  (For Listserv members, the
web site is at www.mikeauldridge.com/parknsaw/htm)

Well it's getting to be that time of day again when the deer start
peeking out from the jack pine wondering which shrub they're going to
eat.  Everyone, of course, has tall fences around their gardens to keep
the lovely but destructive creatures out.  Between the deer and the
geese they can really mess up a yard.  We're going to meet at the
Northern Lights microbrewery tonight for couple Levodopa brews, and
we'll be back with you in a week or so.  Remember:  Don't let PD destroy
God's gift of your smile, laugh and sense of humor.

John Bjork