Dateline:  Parkinsaw, MI:  A View from the Lighter Side of PD, dated
June 6, 1999

Greetings from Parkinsaw, MI, the imaginary community for people with
Parkinson's Disease, located in the heart of Michigan's scenic, wild and
beautiful Upper Peninsula

Update on the 4th of July Park-A-Thon

Work continues apace for the popular Park-A-Thon festivities here in
Parkinsaw over the 4th of July.  Activities consist mainly of
competitive games, specifically designed for Parkinsonians  to have fun,
smile, laugh and forget about the ravages of disease.  The events aren’t
particularly difficult, but do offer a challenge and some competitive
spirit.  There will also be a parade, fireworks at dusk, and live music
by the Dopaminos.  Here is the list of events to date:

The Rusty Man Triathon, which involves a half-mile run with a pig in
tow, a 25-yard swim holding on to a watermelon, and a half-mile bike
ride.
One of the newest events introduced this year is the Pasta-eating
contest, where each entrant has his or her own table, white table cloth,
and must wear white slacks and white shirt with long-sleeves.  The pasta
is served with a red sauce, and red wine or juice.  The pasta must be
eaten with chopsticks.  The entrant with the cleanest overall table and
clothes wins.
The annual Parkinson Pig show where the entrants demonstrate ways the
intelligent pig can make life easier for Parkinsonians.
Half-mile Pogo Stick Race.
Cherry Pie eating contest
Kayak Race
Half-mile Pogo Stick Race with Pig Partner
Fish Boning and Eating Contest.  Winners will be determined by the
number of whole perch (the boniest, best-tasting fish in the world)
boned and eaten, and the number of bones removed.
Parkinson's Egg Toss  (Last year's record:  10-yards)

Lots of delicious Levolager beer and bratwurst  will be provided at the
Northern Lights Beer Tent at special festival  prices.

Latest News on the Pig Sanctuary

There have been reports in the news media reaching us up here in God's
country about a certain number of pigs who are at risk from malicious
prosecution, just because they're pigs and taste terrific.  Well,
Parkinsaw city fathers have donated the old Osterman estate farm, which
was confiscated for back taxes,  and will convert it into a pig
sanctuary.  To ensure adequate protection for the pigs,  Dudley Doowrong
has been selected as the sanctuary administartor  and security manager.
Mr Doowrong attained some measure of noteriety when he was in charge of
counter-intelligence at Los Alamos National Labs in connection with then
protection of our nuclear weapon secrets.  It is thought around here
that Mr Doowrong was out of his element at Los Alamos, and reached his
level of incompetence there. Others think he was a victum of political
circumstance.  In any case, he should be up to the task of maintaining
proper security for a group of poor, frightened pigs.  The sanctuary
coincides with a hightened interest in the use of fetal pig tissue for
patients with Parkinson's Disease.

The Strange Odyssey of the "Flying Pigs"

In a related matter, we received  reports over the internet of the
spotting of  a number of flying pigs sailing across the mid-west skies
en route north towards Parkinsaw.  Upon further analysis, however, it
appears that the military radar systems were fooled by a gaggle of
mutant geese who had stopped at their normal pond in early spring, but
unbeknownst to them the pond had become polluted with industrial waste.
The geese then grew to three times their normal size and suffered
traumatic disfiguration to their bills which gave them the appearance of
having flat, piggy noses.  They appeared on radar screens as flying pigs
to some dull-eyed radar technician, creating quite a stir up this way.

The Flying Pigs Visit the Detroit Tigers

On their way north, the strange-looking birds passed over Michigan's
Lower Peninsula and made a low-flying sortie over Detroit's Tiger
Stadium just as the night game between the Tigers and the World Champion
New York Yankees was getting under way.  Quipped one loyal Tiger fan as
he spotted the flying "pigs" dipping low over right field:  "If pigs can
fly, then the Tigers can win the Pennant. Go Flying Pigs!  The cresendo
increased in volume ten fold:  "Go Flying Pigs! Go Flying Pigs!"  Last
heard, there was a petition to re-name the Detroit Tigers  the "Flying
Pigs."  (I don't know who at this point has the least respect).  Anyway,
after a couple of fan-pleasing circuits of the Stadium, the mutant geese
headed north as is their custom, slightly disoriented due to their
plight.  The Scandinavian God of the North, Odin, must have played a
role here because they all landed safely in Parkinsaw, and last seen
were being spoiled rotten by soft-hearted Parkinsonians.  The geese were
treated to bratwurst, courtesy of the Northern Lights microbrewery, of
course.

Jobs and Activities Parkinsonians May Wish to Avoid

Those helpful folks down at the Job Placement Center identify six more
jobs which Parkinsonians may wish to avoid due to the potential for
physical or emotional distress:   Airline Pilot, Movie Stunt Man, Wood
Carver, Accordionist, Snake Handler and Wooden Soldier Painter.

It's getting to be that time here in Parkinsaw, MI to take a stroll in
the woods and see how many deer you can spot.  They're all over like
locusts, of course, since deer season was last November.  Then, some
unseen bell goes off in the deer's head, which says:  "Quick, Jack, head
for the nearest swamp, and don't come out until December 1st!  It's also
time to have a delicious steak at the Northern Lights, a couple of
Levolagers, and try to stay one step ahead of Mr No-Good.  Let's promise
together:  We're not going to let Mr No-Good get our goat!  Don't you
dare let PD rob you of God's gifts of your smile, laughter and sense of
humor.  Until next week, your editor in resident bids you good evening.

Don't Forget to Visit the Parkinsaw, MI Web Site and Make A Contribution
to the "Thousand Pennies for Parkinson" Campaign!  Visit us at:
www.mikeauldridge.com/parknsaw.htm

John Bjork
Parkinsaw, MI
"A View from the Lighter Side of PD"