The Parkinsaw Chronicles
July 7, 1999


Well, everyone, the 1999 Fourth of July in Parkinsaw, MI, is now
history.  The Parka-Thon was a great success, and was highlighted by the
appearance of Porquetta Porkinson at the award ceremony outside Muhammad
Ali Civic Center on Saturday to recognize and honor Ms. Piggy, that
valiant member of the Fabled Cincy Pigs who single-hoofed zoomed out of
the sky at the last moment to save his eminence from either a serious
wound or death last week, by deflecting a very sharp pitchfork thrown
with uncanny force right at Porky.  The security team of Dudley Dowrong,
Nails Noogin, the Master of Disguises, The Michigan Wolverines, who this
weekend donned no fewer than four clever costumes, including one as a
troupe of Dancing Russian Bears, and the Fabled Flying Pigs who flew
aerial reconnaissance throughout the festivities, all distinguished
themselves as no untoward acts took place.   The strange-looking
pig-boar duo was not in evidence as far as we know, although two cases
of Levolager beer were stolen during the ceremony, and the empty bottles
were arranged in a circle with the numbers 666 appearing in the center
along with several candles and eight tiny cloven hoof prints.  What
could this all mean?  One clue has surfaced: A distributor delivering an
order of Twinkies to the PolkaNet establishment, accidentally opened the
door to the back room area and took note of a makeshift alter, complete
with candles, and the numbers '666'.

 The award ceremony itself, unmarred by the unsettling satanic ritual
trappings, went off splendidly.  Porquetta Porkinson praised the valor
and heroism displayed by Ms. Piggy, spoke highly of the Fabled Cincy
Flying Pigs, and had kind words for the Parcel Post Pigs as well.
Following the example of her brother Porky, Porquetta stressed the
importance of raising public awareness for Parkinson's Disease, and for
the Pennies for Parkinson's campaign.  Following the ceremony, Porquetta
was guest of honor at the Judge's Table for the Parka-Thon competitive
events, which she enjoyed thoroughly, especially the Pig-Assisted Pogo
Stick Races and the Putting Parley.  Later that evening, the fireworks
were held over Parkinsaw Bay, accompanied by the Fabled Cincy Flying
Pigs, who flew sorties against the backdrop of the fiery darkness.  The
Parcel Post Pigs, of course, given the first aerial ride by the Flying
Pigs, by none other than heroine Ms. Piggy, followed Porquetta.
Portrait artist Freddy Fudd has been commissioned to do a painting of
the night sky entitled "Pigs over Parkinsaw," complete with fireworks.
It has also been learned that the Parkinsaw Craftsmen will be
introducing commemorative  "Flying Pigs" pins, in both silver and gold,
which will sold on the internet for $10 and $25 respectively, with
profits being donated to Pennies for Parkinson's coffers.  There have
also been discussions about similar pins for Porky and Porquetta
Porkinson.

 The highlight of Parka-Thon traditionally has been the competitive
events, and this year was no exception.  Here are the results of the
major events:

 The pasta eating contest was won by Chubby Labarre who wielded those
chopsticks like he was born with them, spilling very little of that red
sauce on his white dress shirt.   Runner up was Maude Olsen, who simply
couldn't master the chopsticks or the red Spanish wine boda.  Tom
Shelton took the Pig-Assisted Pogo Stick Race honors, and Jimmy Olson
won the Rusty Man Marathon.  The marathon was a real challenge this year
in that it involved a half-mile run carrying a pig, a 25-yard swim
holding on to a watermelon, and a half-mile bike ride.  The fish boning
and eating contest featuring fresh Perch was won by Bobby Benson, who
boned and ate 32 Perch in 15 minutes, only missing 140 bones, one of
which stuck in his throat resulting in a visit to the ER.  We'll go
visit his as soon as he can talk.  The annual egg toss was won by
Lillian Hanson and her daughter Candy, who managed to extend their toss
distance to thirty yards before splattering it all over Lillian's
dress.  The Card Shuffling Contest was won by Billy "Tremor" Smith who
managed to shuffle two decks of cards before a sudden spasm sent the
cards flying.  The fun part of the competitive events this year involved
a new category called Domestic Challenges: Opening a 5-liter wine box
and extracting the dispensing spigot was won by Bob Benoit, who took
only 45 minutes to accomplish the feat; George Grayson won the Letter
Mailing Competition where he folded 10 sheets of paper, inserted them
into envelopes, and placed stamps on them in a record-time of 12
minutes.  And, Old Rasmussen, in spite of his world-class tremor, had
the fastest time to take a newspaper, open it to the op-ed pages, and
then fold the pages back-to-back, without shredding the paper in the
process.

 Well, everyone, Parkinsaw is getting back to normal now that the
Parka-Thon is over.  Porky and Porquetta are back home safe and sound,
the Flying Pigs are exhausted but happy, and the Parcel Post Pigs are as
content as they could be.  All, of course, are still concerned about the
strange happenings involving the dangerous and unpredictable AWOL Pig
and Cowardly NYC Boar, so we're all still on high alert here.  The Gandy
Dancer arrives this week so we'll be breathing somewhat easier.  Until
next week, don't you dare let old Mr. PD rob you of God's gift to you of
your smile, laugh and sense of humor.

John Bjork