The Parkinsaw Chronicle
Commemorative Edition
August 15, 1999

Lighten-Up with SPARKLE


Well, this is the first weekly report in several weeks from Parkinsaw,
and it feels great to be back into the daily grind of an
editor/reporter.  It's a fun place to live and visit especially if you
happen to have Parkinson's Disease---which covers about 80% of the
residents here.

The very enjoyable 4th of July Parka-Thon of course went off without a
hitch, with many happy winners.  When you see Parkinsonians engaging in
a egg toss, pasta eating contest with red sauce and wine, while dressed
up in a white dress suit, eating with chop sticks, a pogo stick contest,

and a card shuffling test of dexterity the results are, well, funny
would be too mild.  Next year we're going to be adding a pick-up-sticks
contest, and we'll be sure to require safety glasses, 'cause those
sticks will be flying!

We went down to Skinny's Bar and Grill last night to celebrate Tom
Shelton's continued success with the Bait-Buddy, which allows him to
fasten minnows onto a hook and to fish in peace without worrying about
the minnows being shaken off.  They stay on….in spite of Tom's advanced
Parkinson's tremors.  We drank our weight in Levolagers listening to
Carr Soderman play his flamenco guitar, in spite of his tremor, and
watch Porcine, the world's only living dancing flamenco pig.  Quite a
show.

It's now time to clarify and explain the developments affecting our
visitors over at the Porker Sanctuary.  Last heard, the Fabled Cincy
Flying Pigs, Porky Porkinson and his little sister Porquetta, and the
Parcel Post Pigs from CT were having a grand old time in the Sanctuary,
laughing and chortling about the way the Michigan Wolverines and the
Tasmanian Devil completely out-pigged the dastardly Razorback hogs when
they attempted to penetrate the Sanctuary.  As you may recall, the
attack was repelled, the razorbacks given a sound thrashing, and last
seen were limping across the Mackinac Straights Bridge enroute to
Detroit.  They were followed by one of the Dancer's operatives who
subsequently reported that the razorbacks had so enjoyed an outing at
Tiger Stadium that they found apartments and jobs in Detroit, managed to

secure season tickets to the Tiger's baseball games, and were attending
a local community college where they were studying animal husbandry.

Then disaster struck.  We were informed that the Fabled Cincy Flying
Pigs had bolted without warning from the Sanctuary, had crashed and
burned in Ohio, and were being made into a particularly spicy sausage.
It was further reported that Porky and Porquetta Porkinson had also met
their demise, having been bitten by a trio of rabid Pit Bulls while
soliciting donations for Pennies for Parkinson's.  And, mysteriously,
the Parcel Post Pigs from CT on their very own, arranged to be hidden in

pork chop crates, loaded in a U-Haul truck, and spirited off to CT
without so much as an oink-oink.  So, with the Sanctuary dark as a
dungeon and damp as the dew, the saga of the Parkinsaw pigs came to a
disappointing end.  No more free rides on the backs of the Flying Pigs!
No more impassioned speeches by Porky Porkinson on the merits of the
Pennies for Parkinson's campaign!  No more cute little curly tails
Protruding from the Parcel Post Pigs.  It was over.   The mighty
Michigan Wolverines, the whirling dervish-like antics of the Tasmanian
Devil, The Gandy Dancer,  Dudly Dowrong, Nails Noogan and others were
gone for good.  Or so we thought.  Or so we thought.  Sometimes, things
aren't exactly what they seem to be.  I am happy as a fly in pig
droppings to stand here and tell you that the Fabled Cincy Flying Pigs,
and the Parcel Post Pigs, and all security forces listed above, are now
back in residence at the sanctuary, safe and sound, following one of the

most bizarre and successful  intelligence operations carried out in
recent memory.  While details of this astounding operation must for now
remain under close hold, suffice it to say that the deception was
necessary due to the most devious, evil plan discovered just in the nick

of time by the Dancer's operatives, which involved a plot to attack the
Sanctuary with tactical nuclear weapons.  Faced with this frightening
news, the security team at the Sanctuary led by The Dancer designed a
deception operation which led the forces of evil into thinking that the
Prominent Popular Pigs of Parkinsaw Plus Porky and Porquetta Porkinson
had all met their demise.  First the rumor was started that the Flying
Pigs had been turned into sausage by greedy pig famers after fatally
crashing, because they were so soused from celebrating with cases of
Levolager beer that they didn't know which way was up and started flying

upside down.  This rumor was fueled by news leaks to the press that the
Prominent Pickled Pigs crash landed at the Dayton airport, and were then

subsequently sold to the BallPark Sausage People.

Once the rumor had been successfully planted about the Flying Pigs, the
story about Porky and Porquetta was fed to mayor newspapers, and went
unquestioned.  The subsequent story sending the CT Parcel Post Pigs off
on a wild pig chase completed the deception.  Our intelligence sources
reported that the plan to use tactical nukes against the sanctuary had
been scrapped. Crisis averted.   All the Prominent Pigs were dead.  Or
so they thought.

The truth of the matter is that the Prominent Pigs had  spent a month in

an abandoned Federal Emergency Management Agency facility which was used

in the past as a Presidential retreat in the event of nuclear attack.
Now, with the crisis over,  the pigs have all returned to the Sanctuary.

Again, although operational details surrounding the neutralization of
the nuclear threat by the Sanctuary security forces must remain Top
Secret, I can tell you a certain island which contained
the headquarters of a strange religious cult vowing to eliminate
all  Prominent Pigs everywhere is no longer in evidence.  Lesson
learned:  Don't plan a nuclear attack against the Gandy Dancer.

The lights in the  Sanctuary are on again, and the Prominent Pigs are
back.  Let the saga begin anew!

John Bjork
The Parkinson Chronicle
Parkinsaw, MI

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