>      -----------------------------------------------------------------
>      anger                                                    98/04/29
>      -----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>      hi john
>
>      you wrote,  in part:
>      >> [hanging on to] anger
>      >> is like burning down the house
>      >> to catch the mouse
>      >>
>      >>      [paraphrased] lao tsu
>      >
>      >This sounds like anger is a bad thing?...
>
>      not at all
>      but it needs care-full examination as to its cause
>      and care-full consideration as to its mode of expression
>
>      >OK, hanging on to it forever is destructive,
>
>      exactly
>      otherwise known as 'nursing a grudge'
>      which can also translate into bitter unforgiving
>      which is where the self destructive aspect comes in
>      [i.e. burning the house down]
>
>      >...but *my* problem has always been that I've been
>      >too compliant! I've always let people run me over...
>
>      i know this one well -
>      the 'mr/ms nice guy/gal syndrome'
>
>      we think that we will gain approval/validation
>      by 'doing' or 'being' what others want us to 'do' or 'be'
>      we think we need to gain approval/validation
>
>      we don't need it
>      we already have it
>      we can't 'get it' from others
>
>      we have it within us
>      it came with the package
>      we have simply forgotten where we put it
>
>      >and finally I have been standing
>      >there feeling like "nobody listens"...
>
>      that's where the frustration comes in
>      we can't 'make' others do anything
>      we can't 'make' them listen to us
>      we can't 'make' them like us
>
>      no matter how much
>      we think we want/need them to
>
>      another side of that coin is
>      nothing that others do can 'make' us feel anything
>
>      we create our own emotions
>      through our perceptions of others' actions
>      and the meanings/baggage that we attach to them
>
>      >Anger doesn't have to mean yelling and striking people!
>      >It can also be that intense feeling of 'what they are doing
>      >to me is wrong! I will not let them do it to me!'...
>
>      absolutely
>      acting in an assertive manner
>      can result from anger or from other feelings
>      but self-assertion is not the same thing as aggression
>
>      assertion is a positive act
>      based on knowing one's 'worth' is beyond doubt
>
>      aggression is a negative act
>      based on fear that one's 'worth' is under threat
>
>      >For me, it is the driving force that gives me
>      >energy to stand up and fight when others ignore me
>      >and my value (as well as the value of others)...
>
>      whew!
>      this sounds like anger/adrenalin
>      arising out of a perceived injustice
>      and a desire to 'right the wrong'
>
>      i think that the trick/work here
>      is in our perception of the 'injustice'
>      the 'injustice' may in fact be something else altogether
>
>      we always have a choice
>      as animals we can act on instinct
>      as humans we can act without thinking
>      as mature humans we can think before acting
>
>      thanks for dragging this out of me, john
>      [i think!]
>
>      your cyber-sibling
>
>      janet
>
>      [who used to set records in grudge-keeping]
>
>
>      -----------------------------------------------------------------

janet paterson
52 now / 41 dx / 37 onset
e-mail: [log in to unmask]
a new voice: http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Village/6263/